How far

Tomorrow marks 2 years of marriage for Adam and myself. Holy cow how many things we have gone through since we got married. I can't believe how far we've come and how we have made it through what most people would've never dreamt of. From losing a son, another miscarriage, two deployments (one short), and Adam losing his father to where we are now. No, things have never been easy, we are not perfectly fine, and we are not all better. But, in comparison to what could have been, we are the very best we can be and most people cannot say that for themselves after enduring less. I love my husband, I am beyond blessed to have such a strong and caring man by my side. I hope this next year brings us a little light instead of all the trials we have had to face. Anyone who reads this, I hope you have us in your prayers, because yea it may be a little selfish, but we would really like to bring some good things to our life. We would love to start a family and not worry about the outcome..we would like to be at peace for a least a little while. We have been strong enough long enough.

Trials in life, new beginnings

So, I am not really sure what brought me to decide I wanted a fur baby..but..I did..in about one hour after that decision I come home with a brand new baby kitty and named her Masey. She picked me, of course.

 

pretty girl.

after her first bath! she did so good :)

 

 

She is 12 weeks old and is 3lbs 5 ounces. She is perfectly healthy and loves to chase her tail and cuddle with mommy and daddy. I love this little girl. 

 

Also, Adam's coping with everything has actually gone well so far. I can't say for sure, but I know he is doing as well as he can be.

 

My grandmother, on the other hand, is not doing so well. Her kidneys were failing last Friday and she was in the hospital until yesterday. She is back at the nursing home and is stable again, but I am not sure how she will be in the next few days, weeks, or what. This is all happening so fast.

 

 

 

To bring a little light back into the post, I will post some pictures Adam and I have taken since he has been back. Yes, even more since the last post. Enjoy.

 

 

 

What is really awesome is Savanna's husband John, and Adam get along SO WELL! It just makes perfect sense since Savanna and I do. Let's just hope good things continue to happen so life isn't so troubling all the time for us anymore.

 

 

I do have to say though. I am very disappointed in a few people recently. To call someone selfish because they are happy their husband is home is a little more selfish than the accusation itself. I won't pretend my husband isn't home to satisfy you. You wouldn't. Plus, to be envious of that fact is kind of sick. My husbands father died. That is why he is home already. To be envious of a relative dying is sick. It still amazes me how "grown women" act more childish than my 14 year old sister and her peers.  It's a really sad world when people cannot even try to empathize or be happy for someone else. Sad.

 

 

No one knows another person's struggles. They may know of things going on, but they don't know everything. Take a moment and think about how you would feel knowing what you know. I bet you rarely do that, don't you?

 

 

I was always told to pray for your enemies, or people who claim others are "selfish" when it seems they are describing themselves.

 

 

 

 

 

Anyway, I normally wouldn't post anything like this. BUT. Adam and I think we are emotionally stable enough now to try to start a family, again. Don't ask questions unless I tell you. Once we begin this process again we will be taking every precaution to try and protect our hearts from hurting like we have. Just know if things happen and things go well everyone will know. And no, this is not an "I'm pregnant" post, because I am 100% not pregnant. 

 

 

 

all for now.



RIP

I know others may be upset to see my husband home when their loved ones have yet to return, but the circumstance in which he was able to come home is not something to envy.


Adam's father, Cliff Patten, lost his battle with an illness last week.
http://www.hamlettdobson.com/_mgxroot/page_10802.php?task=Search&listing=Current


Although I hadn't known Cliff very long, it was heartbreaking to see the boys so upset. I am proud of them for being so strong and taking care of arrangements as they have, though. Cliff is in a better place, free of pain and any suffering.

Also, yesterday was the anniversary of the day we lost our son a year ago. Quite honestly, with everything else going on, the pain wasn't as great as I thought it would be.

I vote November be taken off the calendar completely.

Anyway, let's bring some happier moments to this post..with pictures.

my boys

Christmas picture

my sweet husband

<3 

We are due to be back in NC by December 6. Adam hasn't seen the house yet so that is something to be excited for. I can't wait to see Savanna and Bayli and of course my god baby Em. I hope Adam will be ok after losing his dad, even though it will take time. He has been through enough in the last year. It's time for something good.

Thoughts

I can't sleep. Thinking about the possible outcomes of tomorrows news is making me incredibly anxious. There are many things on my mind, but the possibility of my husband not coming home for a while is what's making my sanity lose its grip. That, and the fact that I am not as dumb as people seem to think I am.

I am pretty intelligent. Not just book smarts, but I am damn good at reading people. I am not oblivious, and I will not make myself a part of some petty high school ...well..bullshit.

I have obviously been through enough in my lifetime - not to mention what I've been through in the last year - that I do not have ONE OUNCE of energy left in me to fight with someone over their own stupidity and ignorance.

Yea, I am different. I am weird. That doesn't make me a bad person. So, if you decide you can't "handle" me...that's your loss. Honestly, I feel sorry for you. I hope one day you grow up and realize life isn't all butterflies and rainbows. Life hurts. It can be painful. It can absolutely SUCK. I think I have dealt with it quite well. If you don't, sorry. You will learn one day, but I won't be around to say I told you so.

Anyway, my prayers go out tonight for my husband and all the others currently in the same situation. I pray that whatever happens is the absolute BEST outcome for everyone. I want him home more than anything, but only God knows what is best. I just selfishly pray that involves him coming home, ASAP.

I miss you, Adam. I can't wait to see that smiling face again. 

It's no secret

So, I realized it had been months since I have posted. Honestly, I had been changing so much and so quickly it was kind of pointless to post. I can catch up on some things that have gone on since May...since this deployment is almost over..I guess it's time :)

yup, this would probably be the biggest, and most obvious change since this deployment began.

Everyone asks me how I did it and what I do..and folks, it's no secret. Diet and exercise. Yup. That's it. Although, I started out with hypothyroidism so I had to tweak my diet a little more than just a "normal" weight loss diet, because I was already doing most of the "tricks" people do but I had always done them. So, here is what I did..all out here for ya..no secrets here.

Diet:

No sugar, period.

No extra salt, use pepper or garlic.

No preservatives.

Minimal dairy, couple times a week. Not daily.

Switched to almond milk, not soy or cows milk.

No fast food, period.

(at first) no bread, pasta, or rice.

I never drank soda, but still No soda. 

No butter, use olive oil

I ate: Chicken, protein powder/bars, atkins/south beach bars, lettuce, greek yogurt, fish, veggies (any and all), some fruits (not many, too much glucose)

Lots of water and coffee..yes coffee, no sugar of course (use stevia)

Workout: (daily in the beginning)

> Cardio..EVERY DAY for at least 20-30 minutes based on your heart rate, and MUST be dripping sweat in the first 7 minutes - until the very end. 

  - I started out slow and only did what I can BASED ON MY HEART RATE. I pushed myself     harder each time until I worked up to running and cycling (now).

> Weight Training

- ok, weight training IS IMPORTANT!!! FOR EVERYONE!!!! If you are a woman YOU WILL NOT GET BULKY!!! THAT IS BIOLOGICALLY IMPOSSIBLE for a woman to be a "body builder" man looking thing unless you take hormone injections, etc. Weight training SHAPES your body to what you want it. If you want a better butt, do squats...if you want better arms, do curls or dips. End of story. It burns more calories LONGER than cardio and makes you stronger and look a hell of a lot better than cardio alone will. CARDIO ALONE WILL NOT MAKE YOU LOOK TONED! IT ONLY MAKES YOU LOOK LIKE A SMALLER VERSION OF WHAT YOU ALREADY ARE! DO WEIGHT TRAINING! 

anyway, I do different groups every day..if I did lower body one day, I'll do upper the next..and that's how my days go with that. I will lift until I absolutely CANNOT do another rep at the heaviest weight I can lift, curl, etc... I love my arms and my legs and my butt. I lost over 60 lbs though, so my stomach is still catching up. 

My diet still runs off the basis of the original, but since I have lost so much I am more about maintaining than losing. I eat out and order what I want on occasion. I still work out the same though. So far, it's working pretty well. :)

That's all there is to that.

As far as my mental/emotional journey..I can say I have never felt better. I still have my days where I mourn over my son but they go as quickly as they come, because I did the very best I could to come out of that depression. I won't go back. It does no good. 

I have made some great friends since I moved back to NC. As all relationships go though, it takes time to grow :) 

 my new friend, Savanna. I am very grateful for her friendship :)

I don't have any good pictures of my other friends, but I will soon I'm sure. 

not a new friend, but a good one :) Bayli and my god baby Em <3 

that is all for now. I may update this thing more often since it's not so depressing now. 

Oh, husband comes home SO SOON! We are almost in the single digits. I can't wait to have him home. I love that man more than anything <3

Adjusting

I can't tell if I am adjusting to Adam being gone or not. Some days I feel like I can take on anything, and others I just feel so worn down. Some days, I feel completely strange. Like, I am doing this all wrong by being here. I thought maybe being around family would help ease the pain from our loss and the pain of not having Adam by my side for now, but it has left me angry. I keep remembering when things happened before, and who was there for me and who genuinely cared about me, and I just become so angry. It feels as though I am being ignored, neglected, and forgotten. The one person in the world I thought would be there for me during my grief, isn't. I can't help but wonder if that person even cares about me at all, and they have known me since I was born. How does that make sense? Not only this one person, but a few people I can say have really just neglected to be there at all..when they said they would. Those that I wouldn't expect to be there, are though. I guess that makes up for something.

I don't like being here. I feel out of place, in the way, and just wrong. I try to occupy my time the best that I can, but the aching desire to be with my husband and be with the only person who loves me so much overwhelms me most of the time.

People I called "friends" are never there unless they have no other choice. People who I haven't been so close to in the past are stepping up and being a shoulder to cry on. How does this work? What happened? If things work out like I hope, I may leave much sooner than originally planned. I want to be around those who understand. Here, that really doesn't happen.

I love you, Adam. Forever and ever, amen. Come home soon.

Passing time.

I thought my birthday would be a hard day..but surprisingly, it wasn't. The reality of everything that has happened has made me think more logically to suppress the aching I feel from the loss of our son. The doctor has made me optimistic, and that makes things a little bit easier. If the problem is that easy to fix, I hope we never have to go through another loss like we did with our son. Thanks to a good friend, my birthday was actually enjoyable.

Everyone has to have a "birthday" picture right? 

Adam is on a field op somewhere in the world, that will last about 3ish weeks. This means no communication..and I know that a lot of women who are married to someone in the military would consider me lucky to be able to say the longest I have gone without contact with my husband is ten days. This 3 week thing will be a new record for us. I sure do miss that man.

I finished a new care package last night, I made sure his pepperoni sticks were in there :) I think we are going to say it is a Spring theme.

Not being able to talk to that wonderful man of mine, I look through old pictures of him and remember the fun times we always have.. I found one of him and his mom from last year when she came to visit us in NC. He was splashing her in the water :)


To date, I have lost 9 pounds in two weeks. I don't eat nearly enough, but I don't really get hungry so I just listen to my body, and I guess that is ok. Adam has gained 12 pounds this month. I am trying to keep up with him, only losing instead of gaining. :)

We are almost at 20% done with this deployment. I can't wait until I see 25%. I am soooo ready for my husband to be home. Life seems so dull without him.


Come home soon, Adam. I love you forever and ever.

retrospect

This date. Realistically. My son probably would have been born weeks before now, but the fact that this date exists..this date that I have, and forever will..what can I do with this? How can I handle this?

My husband said we did all we could and that's what matters. I guess he is right. He said he wants to try again when he gets home, but I really don't know how ready I will be for that. It's just opening up the opportunity to throw ourselves into the lions den once again. Maybe this doctor can help, maybe going to him will ease my fears and figure out what we can do to make sure it doesn't happen again.

How can I look at the bigger picture with this? What direction should I go to ease this pain. This overwhelming emptiness, anger, confusion..all I seem to want is my husband. November can't come soon enough. My heart is hurting so bad, I need my other half.

I love that man more than I could ever explain.

this is probably what fits best, without diving into depression.

that's the best quality I could find.

Lady Antebellum - one day you will

communication

It really breaks my heart, that after two hours of skype and countless phone calls from my husband this week..he calls me last night around 7 desperate to talk to me because he is so upset and misses me so much. I reassure him I am always waiting, always loving, and always missing him. I wish there was more I could do, than just sending him packages and letters and reassuring him I am waiting. I feel so helpless when he calls and he is so upset.

So here is one of my favorite poems by Emily Dickinson.

If you were coming in the fall, 

I'd brush the summer by 

With half a smile and half a spurn, 

As housewives do a fly.

If I could see you in a year, 

I'd wind the months in balls, 

And put them each in separate drawers, 

Until their time befalls.

If only centuries delayed, 

I'd count them on my hand, 

Subtracting till my fingers dropped 

Into Van Diemens land.

If certain, when this life was out, 

That yours and mine should be, 

I'd toss it yonder like a rind, 

And taste eternity.

But now, all ignorant of the length

Of time's uncertain wing, 

It goads me, like the goblin bee, 

That will not state its sting. 

I love you always, Adam.

That, you will never have to question.

You are the only thing that got me through

the worst time of our lives.

You are my happiness.

I would wait forever.

Somber.

city and colour - comin' home.

it fits until the end.

Well, talking to Adam almost every day this week has helped a lot, but as our sons due date creeps up on me I can't help but wonder if  I will be ok. I took my birthday off of facebook so no one can say anything, and warned my family not to mention it either. I am trying my best to be strong about all this, and I have been doing well until those awful reminders hit me in the face. But, the love my husband and I have for one another gets me though anything..

First official day of work today, hope I don't go crazy. I need to start keeping up with this again.

At least good ole Tennessee has it's perks.

I get to see this any time  I want.

Although, I'd rather see my husband's face.

I love that beautiful man.

distance, time.

I've said it before, I wish there was a pause, fast forward, and rewind button in life. It sucks that you have to use the same monotonous measurement of time for every aspect of life. I know when Adam goes, the first while will be very difficult. I just pray it goes by quickly, but it always goes by so slow, especially in the beginning. He keeps saying he is scared he will lose me while he is gone, that some guy will sweep me off my feet quicker than he did. That will never happen, even if a guy tried to do so, I wouldn't let him. My heart belongs to Adam. Once you make a commitment to someone in marriage, your choices determine where that relationship goes. I choose to continually love Adam for the rest of my life. I choose to be faithful. I choose to wait for him as long as need be. I know he does the same for me.

I just hate the time he is away. I feel like it is a total waste. Life without him doesn't feel like a life at all. But, I will be ok, because I know he would want me to be.  He shouldn't have to worry about me.

I wish there was some way I could be with him while he is gone...those nights where I feel everything is going wrong and I just wish I could pick up the phone to call him. Those nights sucks. Also the nights you can't sleep and you look beside you and realize no one is there, and no one will be there for some time. It just sucks.

I hope and pray this is the last time we have to be apart for so long.

I pray I am not a total mess. I pray he is ok too.

I love my husband with everything I am.

Adam

Every time I start thinking about how things have affected my husband, my heart breaks all over again. He never brings up Raiden anymore. He never brings up anything, until I see him start to cry. I don't understand why bad things have to happen so much. It's not fair that being with me, my husband had to endure this. I don't know how I am going to be ok without him. I don't know how he will be ok without me. He doesn't want to leave. He says it all the time. I would do anything if I could to be with him when he is so far away. It almost feels like  he has already left. He is so distant. He is so broken. I love him so much, I hate to see him like this.

blank

I don't know where to begin. I don't know what it is that I can change to make this better. I thought I knew what I enjoyed in life, now that's all thrown out the window. I loved working with children. Now, I can barely be around them at all. So, knowing what to do with my life...that's a whole other obstacle in its own.

When I think about what could make things better, all that comes to mind is my son. That is all I want. I can't have him..so..what do I do? I have no idea where to go from here.

I wish I was stronger. I wish I could stop being so angry. I try, but I feel like it's wrong NOT to be angry..

It has made me so scared to do anything. I am scared to ever become pregnant again, I am scared I will lose my husband, I am scared to lose everything...almost like it has already happened. I don't want him to leave..those days where I just lose it..who will be there for me?

Plenty can say they will "be there", but in all honesty they just run. They don't understand..so they go as far away from me as possible..pretending they don't see what's happening so they don't have to face it.

I can't help but absolutely hate those that were not happy for me when I told them I was pregnant. I really fucking despise them right now..I hate it.

I just want to know what this was supposed to teach me..It has left me with almost nothing.
I don't know what to do with my life anymore.
I don't know what to look forward to, or if I can..
I am terrified of almost everything.

I don't know how to be happy anymore. I don't know if I ever can be truly happy, knowing my son is not with me..

If you think this is "emo", or repetitive..just look at yourself in the mirror, and ask yourself.."what would I do in this situation, how would I feel if in retrospect I lost everything I ever dreamt of?" ...then tell me I am wrong. I will tell you you are blissfully naive..and thank God for that.

Cheers

This may be one of the nights I drink myself into oblivion, and before I do I thought I might try and be a cheesy little twit and write it out in here.

I am dreading deployment. DREADING it. I don't usually worry about being away from Adam. I just worry about the days where I will feel like I won't be able to handle anything alone.

Jealousy stabs at me every fucking day. I can't be happy for my own best friend because it happens so easily for others, yet here I am. Here we are. Yearning, hurting, and completely crushed. How can I be happy? It's so easy for someone else to say be happy for someone, when they haven't gone through us. Why our son? Why HIM?

I have been strong, and I have been doing better. Don't look at me like I am weak because I have my off days. I guarantee most people wouldn't be doing as well as I am. If "well" is what you want to call it.

I really want to scream a big "FUCK YOU" to a lot of people right now. Maybe break their kneecaps too. Anger seems to be the strong factor right now, so...fuck you.

I am hurting. Really bad. If you can't handle it.  Go.The.Fuck.Away.

I pray and I pray...I feel like I am just repeating myself over and over..like maybe ONE time my prayer will go off somewhere and actually be delivered? This is a vicious cycle. This is a vicious life, world, shit. UGH.

to all those who don't like this blog..eat shit.

Love is Alive

As this deployment approaches, the dread seems to taper away as realization of never having to say goodbye again sets in. I can't wait for that day. Our love is strong, one of a kind, an answered prayer. Many years of heartache and struggle were worth enduring for my darling husband.  He truly is my answered prayer. I have never been more thankful in my life.

I cried and thanked God when this song came on. My husband <3

Distance

Lord, my husband is so good. There is not a day that goes by that I am not constantly thinking of him..in the midst of so much pain and confusing, he is my one true blessing. I don't know how I was so lucky to have him, but I wouldn't trade him for anything. I am just ready to give him a beautiful life, which I have felt I haven't up to this point, even though in all reality it's probably not my fault. The one thing that both of us want, I wish wasn't so hard to have..yet, here we are.

I have had a rough life, yes, but not the worst..definitely not the worst. One day, when I feel the need to start writing about my life on here I will..I feel it would help those understand where I am coming from if I do..but it's a lot of typing..and I don't have the time for that at the moment. I just want to focus on happiness for a while..and bringing up the past too much may interfere with that..so one day. Maybe soon, maybe not.

My son is proud of mommy and daddy, of this I am sure. Adam says so too..I love that man.

Restoration

Yea, life has left me somewhat bitter and completely fragile. Sorry if people don't understand when I turn away from a baby picture or become silent when talking about pregnancy. It just hurts, if you don't understand then you are not worth my struggle.

That being said, I am doing very well. Yes, with my bad days where sorrow seems imminent and my husband is nowhere to be found. Training sucks, and deployment will suck but somehow I have managed to be "ok". That's far better than I would have imagined.

Although my trust in God has somewhat faltered recently, I am leaving it up to him to plan my future. I can't plan anymore, it hurts too much and I just become impatient and angry.. So, here's to you God.

Again, I have had to delete certain things out of my life to protect myself. I have refused to work back in daycare which is the only thing I loved doing upto now. I have had to delete good friends of mine off facebook to avoid seeing baby pictures or pregnancy announcements. Sorry, I am not jealous, it just hurts really bad to be reminded of what we lost.

Don't tell me I will make a great mother someday, I am a great mother. My son is proud I am sure. So, there it is.


<3 love and miss you Adam. Hurry home, and be prepared. You will be jumped <3

God

For the first time in my life, I told God I hate him. I guess I am not meant to have children. Life..fuck you.

Ugh, just ugh

Counseling starts on Monday, I hope Adam actually opens up and talks about all this.
I am torn, so terribly torn on what to do, or where to go. To make this easier, I have made a schedule for myself:
Wake up
Take meds
Work out (even if for 5 minutes)
Eat breakfast
Take vitamins
Shower, etc.
Online school until I want to drive my pen into my eyeball
(various breaks)
Cook dinner/housework
...and by the time all that is done Adam is usually home.

It doesn't really take any pain away, or mask it, but it makes me kinda busy. I don't go anywhere. I just don't feel like being with people that much. I don't want to worry about everything else, on top of what I am already dealing with. I am taking it one day at a time, because thinking into the future is too stressful. I can't think of a possible, most likely deployment. I can't think of what next month, or the next will be like. I can't think of anything but the present, and possibly the next few hours. I don't like this autopilot kind of state. I don't like it at all, but it's all I can do to keep from breaking down. I don't understand how women can just be "ok" after this kind of thing. According to my doctor, most women are a lot worse than I am. But, I have yet to see that myself. So, I feel like the only one who hurts this much after my situation. Others have had, what I consider, more difficult situations, and I understand their pain, but those who have gone through almost identical situations don't seem to be as distraught as I am.

I feel like I want to go home, but I don't know what that would accomplish...
Maybe once school is done I will know what the best option would be.
I don't know.
I don't really know anything, except this fucking sucks. Sorry for the language but that adjective seems to fit best, it really fucking sucks. Trying to be positive, and I am thankful I have my husband and I am not alone through this. I am thankful for friends although most of them are far away. I am thankful to be able to go on, and hopefully live a beautiful life.

Son,
I miss you. I am glad I had you with me while I did. I hope you are happy and living it up where you are. I hope that you love me as much as I love you, and I hope you know that I love you. I will never forget you, no matter how many children I end up having (if any). YOU are my son. No matter where you are. I love you forever.

Progress, or not

We finally got counseling set up, but we are definitely not ok. There have been many arguments just because we don't understand each other when we are hurting so greatly. He thinks I am mad when I am not, I think he feels nothing when that's not the case. This is just not fun. How can what happened be part of some perfect plan when it hurts so many people? This is not ok. I don't know where to go from here, everything seems wrong. It seems so wrong going on without our son. It is so wrong. I want to say I have gotten better, but the truth is I haven't. I have just learned how not to cry, maybe because I have ran out of tears..

I will wander until the end of time
Torn away from you

I pulled away to face the pain
I close my eyes and drift away
Over the fear
That I will never find a way
to heal my soul
And I will wander until the end of time
Torn away from you

My heart is broken
Sweet sleep, my dark angel
Deliver us from sorrow's hold
Over my heart

HALF ALIVE WITHOUT YOU,

..hardly alive at all.