Ugh, just ugh

Counseling starts on Monday, I hope Adam actually opens up and talks about all this.
I am torn, so terribly torn on what to do, or where to go. To make this easier, I have made a schedule for myself:
Wake up
Take meds
Work out (even if for 5 minutes)
Eat breakfast
Take vitamins
Shower, etc.
Online school until I want to drive my pen into my eyeball
(various breaks)
Cook dinner/housework
...and by the time all that is done Adam is usually home.

It doesn't really take any pain away, or mask it, but it makes me kinda busy. I don't go anywhere. I just don't feel like being with people that much. I don't want to worry about everything else, on top of what I am already dealing with. I am taking it one day at a time, because thinking into the future is too stressful. I can't think of a possible, most likely deployment. I can't think of what next month, or the next will be like. I can't think of anything but the present, and possibly the next few hours. I don't like this autopilot kind of state. I don't like it at all, but it's all I can do to keep from breaking down. I don't understand how women can just be "ok" after this kind of thing. According to my doctor, most women are a lot worse than I am. But, I have yet to see that myself. So, I feel like the only one who hurts this much after my situation. Others have had, what I consider, more difficult situations, and I understand their pain, but those who have gone through almost identical situations don't seem to be as distraught as I am.

I feel like I want to go home, but I don't know what that would accomplish...
Maybe once school is done I will know what the best option would be.
I don't know.
I don't really know anything, except this fucking sucks. Sorry for the language but that adjective seems to fit best, it really fucking sucks. Trying to be positive, and I am thankful I have my husband and I am not alone through this. I am thankful for friends although most of them are far away. I am thankful to be able to go on, and hopefully live a beautiful life.

Son,
I miss you. I am glad I had you with me while I did. I hope you are happy and living it up where you are. I hope that you love me as much as I love you, and I hope you know that I love you. I will never forget you, no matter how many children I end up having (if any). YOU are my son. No matter where you are. I love you forever.