A hole in my heart.

A month ago was the worst day of my life. As time moves forward life gets more bearable, but there is a piece of my heart in the shape of my son that only he could fill. I don't really know what to look forward to anymore. All I can do is move forward, each day, little by little. I wonder how I will ever just be ok, or content, or anything other than empty. And so it goes, so life goes on. It seems wrong for it to do so, how is the world ok when a baby dies, or when a child dies, or anyone really. We all die, but how can it be ok for someone to die when they haven't had the chance to live? At least he will never have to endure the things people go through that makes them want to die..I wish I could just see him in heaven, if just for a moment, to know he is ok.

Light?

is there light at the end of the tunnel?

during my doctors visit today she informed me of the pathology report for our son. Here is what she said:
There was nothing wrong with him, his heart and all his organs were fine, there was no sign of infection or disorder which could have caused this.
My thyroid had nothing to do with what happened, those were her exact words. My depression/anxiety as well had nothing to do with what happened. Basically, there was no reason and nothing was wrong.
She said this is good news because  if there was nothing wrong then I should have a perfectly fine pregnancy in the future, and I am already ovulating again which is good because my body is functioning correctly.
She also said there is no reason to wait to conceive again, she said compared to other women I am dealing with this wonderfully, well as wonderfully as I can I guess.

with that said, we may try again. I believe it will happen when it is meant to, so we won't prevent it if it does.
Please continue to pray, thanks.

self-conclusion

today, is not a good day. last night was not a good night. will this ever stop? burying myself in other things i've been told is not healthy, then what is?
where is my peace? where is my happiness? when will this vicious cycle end?

I don't want the world to see me

Cause I don't think that they'd understand

When everything's made to be broken

I just want you to know who I am

Calm before the storm

Being back in Jacksonville has left me with an empty feeling, and another feeling I cannot put into words. I unpacked this morning and I didn't even want to touch my maternity clothes. I made a "shrine" to our son on top of our bookcase, it made me feel better for some reason. I am very scared I am just going to get fed up with being here and leave. I don't want to leave my husband, but I feel being here is just bad, very bad for me. I don't know what to do yet. I don't really know how I feel yet. But I haven't broken down yet, and I am afraid it will just all hit me at once, and I won't be able to take it. I am scared.

I wish you'd hold me when I turn my back.

My skin has been stretched

My soul has been crushed

I had an angel inside me -

An angel I never touched.

My heart is broken, battered, and torn.

I have had years of battle,

now, the devil has won.

I am angry and saddened beyond repair.

there is nothing in this world to save me

from the confines of my despair.

I love you forever,

but I will not heal.

There is nothing in this world to describe how I feel.

I would give my life to bring you back.

I love you son, never forget that.

Devastation

Everyone is asking how I am. Everyone wants to know what happened. Well, how  about you shut the fuck up and know that I am not at all ok and one of the worst things that could have happened to us did. I am sick of hearing of your petty woes or how healthy and perfect your children are. No offense, I am glad they are but please stop flaunting it in front of me. I am completely crushed and crying while I am typing this. I am angry and scared and I wanted and loved that baby more than anything I could have ever know. When I found out it was a boy and I had to deliver "him" I felt so helpless. I wanted nothing more than to reach down and snatch him up and breathe life back in him and protect something so innocent. I feel God is using me as some sick comical ammusement. All I have ever asked for is to finally be happy and have a good life. I was so happy to be having a child, I was so ready to see what life really meant. Now, it just slaps us in the face, again. And one wonders why I am the way that I am. I try to tell myself that the baby felt no pain, that he is safe in Heaven and these things "just happen". How are we supposed to have hope when we don't know why it happened and how are we supposed to feel ok about another child when we don't know how to prevent this thing from happening again? Right now I just want to give up on being altogether. I feel like I failed. I feel like I failed my child. I failed my husband. I failed my family. I failed myself. What hurts the most is I failed my innocent, helpless, defenseless child. How can this be ok? How can someone be ok with this? How am I supposed to be normal? My poor husband is so devastated. How am I supposed to be strong for him when I am barely strong enough for myself? How can we be without one another?

In short, I am not ok. I am angry, devastated, and utterly frightened. There are so many things to describe how I feel, but not one can be what I feel. I want everyone to go away and be there at the same time. I want people to realize I am not ok, and stop ignoring what happened, that's not good for me. I heal by talking, I heal by thinking and rationalizing. Right now I just have to believe our son is in Heaven saying, "Mommy, don't cry." That's the only thing that makes it any easier. I love him so much. This hurts so much. Why me? Why us? Someone take this pain away, please.

Enough

It's so hard to be positive. I am trying so hard to make the best out of things, but this feeling is not a choice. I don't choose to feel this way. I just want peace.

I had nothing before him, he is my motivation to go on. When he is not here I lose motivation for anything. I never knew I could love someone so deeply. Why can't I just be ok? I don't even need to be wonderful or ecstatic, just ok would be great with me. How am I supposed to be ok when they only person I want to share my life with won't be there when I need him most? How is that ok?

Someone tell me why I should be ok. Someone tell me why my life is great. Someone just help me see things in a brighter light. I can't help myself anymore. I am so exhausted. I just want to sleep everything away. This is not ok.

Sick

I really hate this. This town, mostly. Going to Tennessee was great but coming back here only to let my husband leave for 3 weeks really blows. I just wanna be home for good and not have to be here in this CRAP excuse for a town. I try to be positive, but that's really difficult when you feel like this. I will find out what the baby is on the 12th, and I pray Adam can call me that day. I want him to know first. I will probably start crying at the ultrasound, just knowing I am alone there and Adam can't be there, just like everything else. I honestly don't even see the point in living in this town if Adam is never here anyway. I would see him the same amount if I lived in TN. I am just so bummed, I don't know what to be positive about regarding this place. I want to go home.  I want Adam to be home, especially during times like these.

Crap

Life just keeps dumping its crap on me.

Endless effing cycle, can you please let up on me now?

Home

I have to keep reminding myself that it will all work out, I am a very willful person, I will make this happen. Just a few more days and we will be in TN for about 2 weeks, if I decide to go back for 3 weeks while Adam is training, I will do that too.

I just love my husband, boo on  you Marine Corps. You're not very nice.

I just can't wait to go home.

Life

I am not sure why I keep insisting on being alone when Adam is gone. I am starting to be ok with it though. I could easily go hang out with someone, but I don't. It's just not the same. Maybe soon I will feel like getting out. Still waiting to see if Adam's leave was approved. I really hope it is.. I can't wait to go home and see all my friends and family.

You really learn what true friendship is  when you move away from home. And honestly, to those who don't get me, I really don't care. If someone won't take the time to understand and know me, then I am not going to take the time to have a friendship with them.

I guess I don't have much to say today. Maybe later.

Time.

Adam and I went to church Sunday. I must say I was pleasantly shocked at his reaction to this church. He loved it..and it was HIS idea to get more involved and go EVERY Sunday. He made me so proud.

We get to go to TN in about a week. I must say I am overly excited and this week can't go by fast enough. I can't wait to spend time with my family and eat like a pig for Thanksgiving. I am still adjusting to this place and being away from the little ones. As time goes on and things get hectic, I am sure my sadness and loneliness will fade. I hope anyway. Only a few more years then we can be home..for good. Lord, give me strength to last through those years.

Today was a pretty decent day. Spending time with Adam and goofing off with him was nice. I just can't wait to go home.

Memories.

It's impossible to change over night. To the people that think I have completely changed due to the drastic change in my life..I haven't completely gotten over what happened nearly a year ago. I have merely started to fight, and possibly find the love for myself to continue to fight until my life starts to make sense and have purpose.  Don't sit there and think that marriage fixed me. It didn't. Healing is a long process. I use this blog so I feel like I am not hiding, and I won't take it out on my husband. When I hurt, he hurts. I am trying to be better.

I feel like running away

I'm still so far from home

You say I'll never change but what the f*ck do you know?

I'll burn it all to the ground, before I let you in

Please forgive me, I can't forgive you now.

 If I could hold back the rain, would you numb the pain?

Cause I remember everything.

Confusing

Well, I am officially in the Pharmacy Tech program. I hope no one will mind to hire me almost a year after I complete it. I just want to complete it while I am pregnant.

I don't have much to say today, mostly because what I want to say may be too much for some to hear. For those who don't understand me or know what I am speaking of, it may just be too much. So until I have to say it in a way that won't confuse or worry people, I won't say it.




I kind of miss being numb. It beats stress, worry, depression, all that.

Let's see what this leads to.

Again, I have started a blog. It seems I always start one when something comes into my life that significantly changes me. If you want a refresher of me this time last year take a look at http://brittc5490-partmyribslikethesea.blogspot.com/ I am sure you will notice a difference. If not, oh well.

Well here is what's different:
1) I am nocturnal lol
2) I am married to a wonderful man
3) I am pregnant
4) I live in North Carolina, due to the OH SO WONDERFUL Marine Corps ..ha
5) I no longer have absolutely no desire to move forward in life

I feel the old feelings of worry and stress coming back. You know, the old paranoia sneaking back up on me forcing me into a busy life that drove me crazy to begin with. At least now I know how to slow it down. That, or I just don't know where any opportunities are around here. I have contemplated becoming a writer, but hey, I already do that. I just don't publish or get paid for my writing. How inconvenient.

I never  thought in a million years I would miss home as much as I do. It's a little uncanny. For someone who absolutely hated home and couldn't wait to get out...I can't wait to go back. Reason; I miss my family. I know what it's like to lose your family due to petty disagreements from 10 years ago, I just want to be around the family I have left. I want my family to be around this child growing inside me. I want my father to teach my child how to fish like he did with me. I want my mother to be around the corner when I have a melt down, like she did with my grandmother while I was a baby.

I miss the beauty of home. I miss the mountains and valleys, rivers, waterfalls, and the sweet smell of pure, untouched nature (away from Eastman that is). Jacksonville is not very pretty. It smells very badly. The people aren't much better. I am looking for the good in this place. It is very hard to find anything worth liking in this town.

I guess some may wonder why I am not constantly talking about this baby growing inside me. Well, truth is I am constantly thinking about the little human in my tummy. Sometimes I need a break, because the stress of Adam leaving at such an inconvenient time is overwhelming. Not having him there for the birth will tear me apart. It is tearing me apart. I can live with him being gone for a few months of its life, but the birth you can never get back. This is why I despise the Marine Corps. Yea, I knew what I was getting into, but I have a life of my own, and Adam is in it. The Marine Corps is not my life. If only I could give someone a piece of my mind...I guarantee I am more intelligent than most of those idiots. Sorry, I am just a bit bitter.

I guess I have written enough tonight. Maybe I will sleep? Probably not.