Everyone is asking how I am. Everyone wants to know what happened. Well, how about you shut the fuck up and know that I am not at all ok and one of the worst things that could have happened to us did. I am sick of hearing of your petty woes or how healthy and perfect your children are. No offense, I am glad they are but please stop flaunting it in front of me. I am completely crushed and crying while I am typing this. I am angry and scared and I wanted and loved that baby more than anything I could have ever know. When I found out it was a boy and I had to deliver "him" I felt so helpless. I wanted nothing more than to reach down and snatch him up and breathe life back in him and protect something so innocent. I feel God is using me as some sick comical ammusement. All I have ever asked for is to finally be happy and have a good life. I was so happy to be having a child, I was so ready to see what life really meant. Now, it just slaps us in the face, again. And one wonders why I am the way that I am. I try to tell myself that the baby felt no pain, that he is safe in Heaven and these things "just happen". How are we supposed to have hope when we don't know why it happened and how are we supposed to feel ok about another child when we don't know how to prevent this thing from happening again? Right now I just want to give up on being altogether. I feel like I failed. I feel like I failed my child. I failed my husband. I failed my family. I failed myself. What hurts the most is I failed my innocent, helpless, defenseless child. How can this be ok? How can someone be ok with this? How am I supposed to be normal? My poor husband is so devastated. How am I supposed to be strong for him when I am barely strong enough for myself? How can we be without one another?
In short, I am not ok. I am angry, devastated, and utterly frightened. There are so many things to describe how I feel, but not one can be what I feel. I want everyone to go away and be there at the same time. I want people to realize I am not ok, and stop ignoring what happened, that's not good for me. I heal by talking, I heal by thinking and rationalizing. Right now I just have to believe our son is in Heaven saying, "Mommy, don't cry." That's the only thing that makes it any easier. I love him so much. This hurts so much. Why me? Why us? Someone take this pain away, please.
Honey, I know this isn't easy, by any means and I know its not okay. But I promise you, you are not alone. You have no failed anyone honey, this is all part of a bigger plan. I know it doesn't seem like it now, but it will get better. It will get easier. And honey, these things do just happen. It's nothing you did wrong. It's nothing anyone did wrong. It just means right now, it wasn't meant to be. And I know you don't know why, and you may not ever know while on this earth. But I promise, God has not only your baby, but you in his hands. It will be okay. I know its not, and it probably won't be for a while, but it will be. I love you. I'm so sorry honey. If there is anything I can do.
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