Fire

Well,

I am not sure what provoked me to write today after so many months of avoiding this blog altogether. I guess I wanted to form something coherent for myself since my thoughts seem to be all over the place. Anyway, people keep telling me I am the strongest person they know. I have heard this many times, along with being described as resilient and even superwoman. Yes, I have endured much over the years, and especially recently. I just want to make it clear that I am not the superwoman some seem to think I am. I have an amazing God who never fails and never leaves me. He has given me immeasurable strength and hope for my life. I also have Adalyn who motivates me to go on each day braver than the day before.

I also want to clarify for those who are small minded and judgmental. People do not go through bad things because they are bad people. Some people have chosen to be used by God and live life based on His plan for them. I am one of those people. I asked years ago for God to use me, and he is. Apparently, there is a greater purpose for all of us and a bigger picture most of us cannot understand or even realize. So, when you see someone going through one trial after another, remember, "Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance;  perseverance, character; and character, hope," (Romans 5:3-4). 

I choose to be grateful for all I have been through, because with all of it I am being molded into the person God wants me to be. I am the mother Adalyn needs me to be, and forever will be. I know that I can endure great pain. I have learned that trying to plan my own life doesn't work, and God will do whatever it takes to get you back on the path he wants you on. I have also come to realize just how wonderful people can be too, even though monsters were also revealed to me. I guess this is my declaration that I am no longer a victim. I will not raise my daughter to be a victim, and I refuse to let my trauma leave me wounded and fearful. I will no longer let my mind wander into paranoia and doubt. This is the end of the streak. I am living my life how God intended. I was lost, but now am found. 

Truth is, I would be nothing without the strength that God has given me. I have had to learn how to have faith again, and I have had to learn that my plans are nothing. I still struggle with forgiveness, but maybe I can write about that another day. I just needed to say this. 

November...

Every year November has a tragedy in store for me. I haven't posted on here since before Adalyn was born, and even with the amazing blessing she is, hell has had its way with me. I am sure most people have noticed a change recently, and if you don't know what's going on don't bother guessing or assuming. You are wrong. I promise.

I have never felt so empty, alone, scared, and hopeless all my life. Those that know cannot believe what happened, and honestly I can't either. I am torn in so many different directions. The birth and life of my little Adalyn is supposed to be the happiest time, yet an over abundance of heartache fills our lives. I am just grateful she may never know.

I had a whole lot of encouraging thoughts to write here earlier, but my sadness hits me when I don't want it to lately. My heart is so broken, and I thought it might get easier by now, but it has only become more difficult.

I always knew I was strong and I could handle a lot more than most, and it's still true. I am just sick of it. I am sick of doing everything I can to bring joy to others and just having hell dropped down on me. This may follow me for years, and for that I am not prepared to endure.

My precious Adalyn keeps me going. I don't know what I would do without her beautiful smile. She is amazing.

It's not fair she was a part of this. And as I write this with tears in my eyes, I pray that no one ever feels this pain. And for those that have, I am so terribly sorry you have every had to go through this. I know I will make it through this and there will be better days, but God please stop robbing me of my happiness. I am so sick of hurting. I am sick of feeling so alone. I hate feeling like I should be the strong one a hold on yet want to run so fast in the opposite direction. When will this end?

Tennessee

It never gets any easier coming back from a trip to Tennessee. We always come back with a new empty feeling. I guess we should just be thankful we are able to visit as others are not so fortunate to go home. This time we brought Masey with us, and I was so hesitant and worried about doing that at first. Surprisingly, she was very good during the whole trip and only meowed for three hours on the way back to NC :P I guess she didn't want to come back either. This last trip will most likely be the last trip we will be able to make to Tennessee until after Adalyn comes into this world. My stomach flips every time I think about it. You don't realize how close it is until you're right on it. She could come in as little as 3 weeks if she is anything like my sister and I. That is a crazy thought.

Since we have been back, we discovered there could be more potential problems with Adam's pay, and if you have kept up with us you know that it has been messed up since January. That's right- a good 9 months now. Please pray for us that it is fixed soon, it is the last thing we should worry about with Adalyn's due date so close. The weather feels different since we have been back too, even though we were only gone a week. Adam and I agreed that it feels like fall today..even if it was still 80 degrees outside.

One thing that tends to happen is Adam saying he wants out of the Marine Corps when we get back from Tennessee, then something goes on in his head and he says he wants to stay in a few weeks later. I would love to be home. So bad.

Anyway, there is really not much to mention. Other than life is continuing as is and things are moving along as always. Just keep the prayers and support coming <3

Yippee!!!

So, I know it's been a while since I posted and I've just been so busy with work and school I don't even get time to breathe it feels like!

So...baby Patten is a GIRL!!! and if you've been following my updates on facebook you've known this for weeks now. Her name is Adalyn Dorothy. Adalyn means noble and Dorothy means gift from God, and is also my grandmothers name on my fathers side. We are very excited to have a little girl!!! I am already so in love with her and have to show off the pictures we got at the 4d ultrasound.

I don't know if you can tell, but she is obsessed with her hands and has Adam's nose :)

 

Also, since my last post I have figured out that my job title is Lead Teacher for  one of the school age rooms at my job. It's pretty interesting, but it's nice and the pay doesn't hurt either :)

 

Adam and I have been discussing Tennessee a lot more lately, and with Adalyn on the way it seems Adam is leaning more towards staying in the Marine Corps until he can retire, or wait until I have my Master's at least if he does decide to get out, which should be by the time this contract is up anyway. We are just not sure, we just want to do what's best for our growing family.

 

Speaking of what's best for the family. WE FINALLY GOT A NEW (reliable) CAR!!!! 2012 Honda Civic, so now I can go to Tennessee and not wonder if I will actually make it or not :) here she is:

 

Aside from things obviously being stressful, things are paying off!!! I jumped on the deal with the car while I could because I hadn't found better for a Honda. School is hectic with this summer overlap, but it will be worth it by next May, and work is going well and bringing in the money that we need to prepare for baby Adalyn. We have already starting purchasing cloth diapers (yes, we are doing cloth diapers), clothes, a swing, and are working slowly on other things. Adam told me today he is very excited to be having a daughter, and I am so excited for him to have his little daddy's girl.

 

 

I want to say thank you for all of the people who are praying for us and continue to do so. So far Adalyn is a very strong baby and everything looks great, and we believe she will continue to do so. We may not know all the answers, but we are doing our best and are very thankful for how far we've come and will continue to go through this journey with a new confidence. Hopefully, our past won't repeat itself and our years of death and sadness will fade, at least for a long while. Please, continue to pray for baby Adalyn, as she is our main concern and priority right now. Thanks everyone, I can't say enough how much I love you all. 

Apologies

Lately, I have had a lot of people apologize to me for the way they've treated me in the past. Some I can tell are sincere, some are most definitely not, and some I just don't know. I don't know what has brought people to apologize to me lately, but I appreciate the ones who truly mean it. The hormonal side of me is just angry that there even needs to be apologies, but I know there is nothing I can do but forgive and move on.

This pregnancy seems to be going very well...and I pray and pray that it continues to do so. I just want my baby to be healthy and in my arms alive and well when the time comes. I think Adam is getting to the point where he is hopeful for this pregnancy and is actually started to get excited :)

I have to say...I am SO THANKFUL for my job. It gets tiring with pregnancy and school also in my life, but it has definitely helped my sanity immensely. Pregnancy may make me tired, but I try my best to push through it and just remind myself to pay attention to my limits.

I still miss home. I miss my friends, my family, and everything I know and love. The only thing that makes it bearable is to know this situation is not forever. The idea of Adam and I having to stay here possibly another two years is daunting, but I believe it will all be ok...and we pray that God directs us where to go from here.

I just pray for my husband. God knows why. My heart hurts for him and I want him to feel at peace.

Anyway, a little short and not so amazing but this is the end of this update.

"chin up! This too shall pass!"

Habakkuk 1:5

"..For I am going to do something in your days that you would not believe, even if you were told." Habakkuk 1:5, NIV.


I have been doing this new thing when I read the Bible, where I will start reading where my heart is drawn to be reading. Some days it's the same book, some days it's a completely random book and chapter. This is what I found the other day using that 'technique'. I can say there have been many, many things in my life that have happened that I never would have believed if someone had told me it was going to happen to me. For instance, finding my husband whom I went to middle AND high school with and marrying him, moving away, and especially him being in the military. The song by Bruno Mars comes to mind when I think about how things happened with Adam, "All I went through led me to you, so I'd do it all over again for you."
Another thing that significantly changed me that occured is the loss of our son in 2011. I can't say I ever saw it coming, I mean..most people never think they are going to lose a child until it happens. It changes every part of you in ways you didn't think change was a possibility. At first, yes, I was a wreck. I still have my moments where I break down and resent everything God has ever done for me, but looking at who I was before and who I am now, I can see why it happeneed...even if it seems dark or morbid.

Anyway, back to the verse. I have been feeling down every once in a while to the point where I am convinced I need a change in my life, a purpose, or to move back home...or actually all three. I found this verse on one of those days I was feeling particularly low and it really really really was exactly what I needed to see. I am anxious to start my job, but I am trying my best to be patient and allow God to do his work in his time. Also, let's just assume all my bad feelings are just pregnancy related ;)

Dad came to visit this weekend and we did a lot of exploring. We went to Myrtle beach just so I could eat at a certain seafood restaurant, and we went to Fort Macon, and discovered one of my new favorite little restaurants in Atlantic beach. He left this morning and it's left a hole in my heart that makes me want to be home more than ever. I do have to admit, time is flying and I pray it continues to do so. I mean, my birthday is this weekend. This week it will be May...in my head I am still stuck in December and can even remember last year I was preparing to start working at the YWCA in Bristol. It does NOT feel like it's been a year since that time.

Anyway, to my friends back home that read this...I miss you all more than you could ever imagine. Talking to you every day or every other day helps me through this paranoia phase in my pregnancy and makes me feel a little closer to home. To those who have befriended me here, thank you. I know most people don't know my past or why I am the way I am (the ones who haven't known me long anyway) and it just means a lot to have someone there to talk to or just be around when I feel so isolated from MY world back home. Things have been tough, and to those who have been there I am very very grateful.

Anyway, I am done being sappy. Continue praying folks <3

What's the point?

Basically, what's the point of this blog for me? It's not just for me to use as a diary or whatever but I have always had this feeling of guilt throughout my life to keep my life an open book for anyone who knows me. It's kind of like a "hey, I know I am weird but here's what I go through and this may explain myself a little better. I am a really cool person, just get to know me a little deeper and you'll get that I have a HUGE heart too," ...kinda. A lot of times it backfires and people are just too overwhelmed by my large personality, but I can't change who I am or my conviction to let people know who I am. Take it or leave it, I don't accept negativity I don't need.

Anyway.

So since the last post I obviously have gone about my life doing schoolwork, being pregnant, trying to not gain a ton of weight, hanging out with friends and husband, humoring my crazy kitty, etc etc...but I got a job finally. My boss knows I am pregant and so far she is the only one there that will know for a while. It's been a pain trying to get everything done to start, but it's getting there and working out.

A little on the deep/negative side. I warn you, it's from my angry/sad/scared/jealous side of me.
So as I get closer to my 15th week of pregnancy..I become more and more convinced that my baby is dead or will be dead. Even though I can already feel this little booger moving and I just KNOW when my baby is gone from experience in the past...It really makes me furious to see all these happy pregnant women and how easy it is for them to be excited and happy about their pregnancies. I keep thinking, "why is it so easy for everyone else and why do my babies have to die? why did I have to give birth to a dead son at almost 19 weeks with no explanation yet all these girls with their first pregnancies don't even think twice about losing a baby" and if anyone who is a first timer tells me they worry they're gonnna miscarry, kiss my butt. You don't know what worrying if a baby is going to die is really like til you have experienced the death of your own. I remember the 'before' I lost him, it's nothing compared to now. I am still angry I lost Raiden. I find myself angrier now because now I am constantly worried about losing this one. I am convinced in my crazy brain that this one will die, even though there is no reason it should. It makes me mad that I was robbed of my innocence with this and that I can never be calm and just ENJOY a baby growing inside me. No matter how much I explain it..unless you've been through it you won't get it. And even the girls that read this that are pregnant will never fully appreciate this post or how painful losing a child really is. No matter how much my insight may open their eyes. It is just THAT painful.

I find that I can look to music from a few years ago I used to enjoy to make me feel better. It just helps me know that I am not the only person in the world that deals with these emotions, even if it's completely unrelated.

We all flirt with the tiniest notion

of self-conclusion in one simplified motion.

You see the trick is that you're never supposed to act on it,

No matter how unbearable this misery gets.

 

 

 





Roller Coaster Ride

The title of this post is fitting, because life is like a roller coaster ride. Especially when you're pregnant and stuck in your house in a town you don't consider home. I am trying to make the best of it, I really am. I swear it's only been so sucky since I've been pregant. I have been looking for a job for weeks now, and so far I have had no luck. My car is acting up, surprise surprise..so a job would be ideal for me..in my mind. I prayed before I was pregnant that if I should have a job that it be in God's hands, because I wasn't certain it would be healthy for me if I were to end up pregnant again. Well, here I am and still no job. So, if I am not supposed to have a job and things are acting up I need to accept that it is God's plan and pray for guidance, acceptance, and peace instead of all these changes I seem to want to make in my life. Prayer warriors, I am calling you! Anyone who knows me well knows my past and understands my need for some prayer.

On another note. Mom and Bailee came to visit me this weekend. We went to Myrtle Beach and it was awesome and brought back so many childhood memories of vacations in MB :)

 

 

 

I really hope life takes a turn for me. A good turn. Adam still plans to get out in the next year if not sooner, and we know in our hearts this is what is right for our family, even if we do have to struggle at first.

 

All we can do is pray. 



Conflict

Well, the title of this post is based on the conflict of my hormones and my emotions, decisions, state of mind..etc. People who are close to me know that I have had issues with depression in the past, and have successfully learned and prayed a way to manage and really get rid of the problem. For those who don't keep up with me anymore, this is my 3rd pregnancy. As you can tell, I don't have any little ones running around..so this pregnancy is super scary and intimidating to me. With everything that has happened to Adam and I in the last year and a half, we really really really hope and pray that this is finally our answered prayer. There has been too much loss and death in our lives since we have been married..and I don't know how much more we can tolerate at the moment. We have done so well considering...I would just like to see a genuine smile on my husbands face that I have missed for a long time now.

Anyway, the conflict. Since I have become pregnant I have been 'unhappy'. It's hard to tell if it's just hormones or if it's really me. I know during the whole 8 months Adam was gone I never allowed myself to hurt or be sad or anything...we had just lost a son and I was without my husband so I refused to make it worse for myself so I lost 60 lbs and worked full time at a daycare. Now, I am having these feelings of  'I am not where I'm meant to be', 'I am so unhappy', 'I want to go home', etc etc..I just can't tell if it's hormones and it really bothers me. I have issues with this so this may be why it's such a scary realization that these emotions are coming back. I don't want to deal with them again.

Keep a good attitude no matter what is going on in your life. (Col. 3:12)

So, do I keep praying for a transformation? Or is it just hormones and I need to deal with it? It's not my first experience with pregnancy issues..my first pregnancy I was SUPER depressed...so I am afraid maybe the hormones trigger something I don't want to be triggered.

Ugh. frustration.

Feelings

People suggest I write more, or blog more..or just something to get my 'feelings' out. Hormones. Heartache. Battles. Mixed in one..what a trainwreck, right?

I guess in my head I am convinced I will lose this baby too. Even though everything looks good so far and every pregnancy symptom I would expect to have is there....I still am convinced my body is not 'good enough' to allow a baby to grow inside me and manage to stay alive. I FEEL like everything will be ok, but my head...and a little bit of my heart is skeptical. I am fighting demons every day to battle these bad thoughts.

I feel a little abandoned. By quite a number of people at the moment..
It seems when you truly need someone to be there, they step out. Shocking..it shouldn't be..but it is every time.
The one person you SHOULD be able to turn to tells you to suck it up and get over it. Even if your safety is in jeopardy.
Others merely just ignore you, or ignore what you are going through. Disappear, basically. Again, shouldn't be shocking.
The person you consider the one human being you can count on and trust, breaks that trust. I have learned this over and over again. Why am I surprised?

So here I am daily trying to figure out what I am doing with my life now, and I just feel abandoned. I turn to Jesus, because He is really the only person that knows how my heart is breaking. I am stronger than this and I know this, always have.

Like I said before...hormones. I don't know if this has a lot to do with hormones or not..but it just seems more than coincidence the rest of these things are happening as well. I've been worse. Many times, but it's been a while since I have felt down like this.

I guess...in short...I am in reality OK. Some things have happened that I didn't foresee and I am dealing with them..with only God. I guess that sums it up.

I sang today..and this is my favorite song of all time...always has been always will..it's short..and embarrassing...but it's what I felt like doing.

Changes in the Atmosphere

Well, since most people who read this are friends with me on facebook anyway, I guess saying "I'M PREGNANT!!!" is a little old now. Anyway, I went to the doctor today and it was my 3rd ultrasound and the first time it actually looked a little bit like a baby. I am 8 weeks and 3 days today and so far so good...I have to remind myself to ask my doctor to check my thyroid levels next time though, just to be sure.

I have to say though, I am not nearly as big as I was with my first pregnancies but I feel HUGE already. I already can't button my pants and ugh. I should just be thankful that I am pregnant and so far so good..I am just going to hang in there until I am 18 weeks and 5 days, because Lord knows I am going to be AT THE DOCTOR that day to be sure everything is ok. I will never forget my little Raiden, and how traumatizing it was to give birth to a dead son. I just PRAY this one will be ok, even though pregnancy symptoms are KILLING me.

Adam and I found a new church that we really really love, thank God. I have missed having a church that I really enjoy and feel close to Christ as well as the congregation. I have been so emotional and depressed with all these hormones lately, maybe a little (or a lot) of Jesus is just what I need to make it here. Of course :)

Adam has also been looking into getting out of the Marine Corps within the next year or so. I know we always talked about him retiring in the military, but with everything that's happened and is happening it almost seems absurd to NOT be at home in east Tennessee. We want to plant our roots in a place we can call home, not a place we are forced to live. I have missed it so much I visited by myself last week to see my family. I can't wait to be home. I just PRAY it will all work out for us and our growing family.

Anyway, that's all the update I have for now. I am sure I am missing a lot but I haven't been posting lately so I will try to fix that :)

How far

Tomorrow marks 2 years of marriage for Adam and myself. Holy cow how many things we have gone through since we got married. I can't believe how far we've come and how we have made it through what most people would've never dreamt of. From losing a son, another miscarriage, two deployments (one short), and Adam losing his father to where we are now. No, things have never been easy, we are not perfectly fine, and we are not all better. But, in comparison to what could have been, we are the very best we can be and most people cannot say that for themselves after enduring less. I love my husband, I am beyond blessed to have such a strong and caring man by my side. I hope this next year brings us a little light instead of all the trials we have had to face. Anyone who reads this, I hope you have us in your prayers, because yea it may be a little selfish, but we would really like to bring some good things to our life. We would love to start a family and not worry about the outcome..we would like to be at peace for a least a little while. We have been strong enough long enough.

Trials in life, new beginnings

So, I am not really sure what brought me to decide I wanted a fur baby..but..I did..in about one hour after that decision I come home with a brand new baby kitty and named her Masey. She picked me, of course.

 

pretty girl.

after her first bath! she did so good :)

 

 

She is 12 weeks old and is 3lbs 5 ounces. She is perfectly healthy and loves to chase her tail and cuddle with mommy and daddy. I love this little girl. 

 

Also, Adam's coping with everything has actually gone well so far. I can't say for sure, but I know he is doing as well as he can be.

 

My grandmother, on the other hand, is not doing so well. Her kidneys were failing last Friday and she was in the hospital until yesterday. She is back at the nursing home and is stable again, but I am not sure how she will be in the next few days, weeks, or what. This is all happening so fast.

 

 

 

To bring a little light back into the post, I will post some pictures Adam and I have taken since he has been back. Yes, even more since the last post. Enjoy.

 

 

 

What is really awesome is Savanna's husband John, and Adam get along SO WELL! It just makes perfect sense since Savanna and I do. Let's just hope good things continue to happen so life isn't so troubling all the time for us anymore.

 

 

I do have to say though. I am very disappointed in a few people recently. To call someone selfish because they are happy their husband is home is a little more selfish than the accusation itself. I won't pretend my husband isn't home to satisfy you. You wouldn't. Plus, to be envious of that fact is kind of sick. My husbands father died. That is why he is home already. To be envious of a relative dying is sick. It still amazes me how "grown women" act more childish than my 14 year old sister and her peers.  It's a really sad world when people cannot even try to empathize or be happy for someone else. Sad.

 

 

No one knows another person's struggles. They may know of things going on, but they don't know everything. Take a moment and think about how you would feel knowing what you know. I bet you rarely do that, don't you?

 

 

I was always told to pray for your enemies, or people who claim others are "selfish" when it seems they are describing themselves.

 

 

 

 

 

Anyway, I normally wouldn't post anything like this. BUT. Adam and I think we are emotionally stable enough now to try to start a family, again. Don't ask questions unless I tell you. Once we begin this process again we will be taking every precaution to try and protect our hearts from hurting like we have. Just know if things happen and things go well everyone will know. And no, this is not an "I'm pregnant" post, because I am 100% not pregnant. 

 

 

 

all for now.



RIP

I know others may be upset to see my husband home when their loved ones have yet to return, but the circumstance in which he was able to come home is not something to envy.


Adam's father, Cliff Patten, lost his battle with an illness last week.
http://www.hamlettdobson.com/_mgxroot/page_10802.php?task=Search&listing=Current


Although I hadn't known Cliff very long, it was heartbreaking to see the boys so upset. I am proud of them for being so strong and taking care of arrangements as they have, though. Cliff is in a better place, free of pain and any suffering.

Also, yesterday was the anniversary of the day we lost our son a year ago. Quite honestly, with everything else going on, the pain wasn't as great as I thought it would be.

I vote November be taken off the calendar completely.

Anyway, let's bring some happier moments to this post..with pictures.

my boys

Christmas picture

my sweet husband

<3 

We are due to be back in NC by December 6. Adam hasn't seen the house yet so that is something to be excited for. I can't wait to see Savanna and Bayli and of course my god baby Em. I hope Adam will be ok after losing his dad, even though it will take time. He has been through enough in the last year. It's time for something good.

Thoughts

I can't sleep. Thinking about the possible outcomes of tomorrows news is making me incredibly anxious. There are many things on my mind, but the possibility of my husband not coming home for a while is what's making my sanity lose its grip. That, and the fact that I am not as dumb as people seem to think I am.

I am pretty intelligent. Not just book smarts, but I am damn good at reading people. I am not oblivious, and I will not make myself a part of some petty high school ...well..bullshit.

I have obviously been through enough in my lifetime - not to mention what I've been through in the last year - that I do not have ONE OUNCE of energy left in me to fight with someone over their own stupidity and ignorance.

Yea, I am different. I am weird. That doesn't make me a bad person. So, if you decide you can't "handle" me...that's your loss. Honestly, I feel sorry for you. I hope one day you grow up and realize life isn't all butterflies and rainbows. Life hurts. It can be painful. It can absolutely SUCK. I think I have dealt with it quite well. If you don't, sorry. You will learn one day, but I won't be around to say I told you so.

Anyway, my prayers go out tonight for my husband and all the others currently in the same situation. I pray that whatever happens is the absolute BEST outcome for everyone. I want him home more than anything, but only God knows what is best. I just selfishly pray that involves him coming home, ASAP.

I miss you, Adam. I can't wait to see that smiling face again. 

It's no secret

So, I realized it had been months since I have posted. Honestly, I had been changing so much and so quickly it was kind of pointless to post. I can catch up on some things that have gone on since May...since this deployment is almost over..I guess it's time :)

yup, this would probably be the biggest, and most obvious change since this deployment began.

Everyone asks me how I did it and what I do..and folks, it's no secret. Diet and exercise. Yup. That's it. Although, I started out with hypothyroidism so I had to tweak my diet a little more than just a "normal" weight loss diet, because I was already doing most of the "tricks" people do but I had always done them. So, here is what I did..all out here for ya..no secrets here.

Diet:

No sugar, period.

No extra salt, use pepper or garlic.

No preservatives.

Minimal dairy, couple times a week. Not daily.

Switched to almond milk, not soy or cows milk.

No fast food, period.

(at first) no bread, pasta, or rice.

I never drank soda, but still No soda. 

No butter, use olive oil

I ate: Chicken, protein powder/bars, atkins/south beach bars, lettuce, greek yogurt, fish, veggies (any and all), some fruits (not many, too much glucose)

Lots of water and coffee..yes coffee, no sugar of course (use stevia)

Workout: (daily in the beginning)

> Cardio..EVERY DAY for at least 20-30 minutes based on your heart rate, and MUST be dripping sweat in the first 7 minutes - until the very end. 

  - I started out slow and only did what I can BASED ON MY HEART RATE. I pushed myself     harder each time until I worked up to running and cycling (now).

> Weight Training

- ok, weight training IS IMPORTANT!!! FOR EVERYONE!!!! If you are a woman YOU WILL NOT GET BULKY!!! THAT IS BIOLOGICALLY IMPOSSIBLE for a woman to be a "body builder" man looking thing unless you take hormone injections, etc. Weight training SHAPES your body to what you want it. If you want a better butt, do squats...if you want better arms, do curls or dips. End of story. It burns more calories LONGER than cardio and makes you stronger and look a hell of a lot better than cardio alone will. CARDIO ALONE WILL NOT MAKE YOU LOOK TONED! IT ONLY MAKES YOU LOOK LIKE A SMALLER VERSION OF WHAT YOU ALREADY ARE! DO WEIGHT TRAINING! 

anyway, I do different groups every day..if I did lower body one day, I'll do upper the next..and that's how my days go with that. I will lift until I absolutely CANNOT do another rep at the heaviest weight I can lift, curl, etc... I love my arms and my legs and my butt. I lost over 60 lbs though, so my stomach is still catching up. 

My diet still runs off the basis of the original, but since I have lost so much I am more about maintaining than losing. I eat out and order what I want on occasion. I still work out the same though. So far, it's working pretty well. :)

That's all there is to that.

As far as my mental/emotional journey..I can say I have never felt better. I still have my days where I mourn over my son but they go as quickly as they come, because I did the very best I could to come out of that depression. I won't go back. It does no good. 

I have made some great friends since I moved back to NC. As all relationships go though, it takes time to grow :) 

 my new friend, Savanna. I am very grateful for her friendship :)

I don't have any good pictures of my other friends, but I will soon I'm sure. 

not a new friend, but a good one :) Bayli and my god baby Em <3 

that is all for now. I may update this thing more often since it's not so depressing now. 

Oh, husband comes home SO SOON! We are almost in the single digits. I can't wait to have him home. I love that man more than anything <3

Adjusting

I can't tell if I am adjusting to Adam being gone or not. Some days I feel like I can take on anything, and others I just feel so worn down. Some days, I feel completely strange. Like, I am doing this all wrong by being here. I thought maybe being around family would help ease the pain from our loss and the pain of not having Adam by my side for now, but it has left me angry. I keep remembering when things happened before, and who was there for me and who genuinely cared about me, and I just become so angry. It feels as though I am being ignored, neglected, and forgotten. The one person in the world I thought would be there for me during my grief, isn't. I can't help but wonder if that person even cares about me at all, and they have known me since I was born. How does that make sense? Not only this one person, but a few people I can say have really just neglected to be there at all..when they said they would. Those that I wouldn't expect to be there, are though. I guess that makes up for something.

I don't like being here. I feel out of place, in the way, and just wrong. I try to occupy my time the best that I can, but the aching desire to be with my husband and be with the only person who loves me so much overwhelms me most of the time.

People I called "friends" are never there unless they have no other choice. People who I haven't been so close to in the past are stepping up and being a shoulder to cry on. How does this work? What happened? If things work out like I hope, I may leave much sooner than originally planned. I want to be around those who understand. Here, that really doesn't happen.

I love you, Adam. Forever and ever, amen. Come home soon.

Passing time.

I thought my birthday would be a hard day..but surprisingly, it wasn't. The reality of everything that has happened has made me think more logically to suppress the aching I feel from the loss of our son. The doctor has made me optimistic, and that makes things a little bit easier. If the problem is that easy to fix, I hope we never have to go through another loss like we did with our son. Thanks to a good friend, my birthday was actually enjoyable.

Everyone has to have a "birthday" picture right? 

Adam is on a field op somewhere in the world, that will last about 3ish weeks. This means no communication..and I know that a lot of women who are married to someone in the military would consider me lucky to be able to say the longest I have gone without contact with my husband is ten days. This 3 week thing will be a new record for us. I sure do miss that man.

I finished a new care package last night, I made sure his pepperoni sticks were in there :) I think we are going to say it is a Spring theme.

Not being able to talk to that wonderful man of mine, I look through old pictures of him and remember the fun times we always have.. I found one of him and his mom from last year when she came to visit us in NC. He was splashing her in the water :)


To date, I have lost 9 pounds in two weeks. I don't eat nearly enough, but I don't really get hungry so I just listen to my body, and I guess that is ok. Adam has gained 12 pounds this month. I am trying to keep up with him, only losing instead of gaining. :)

We are almost at 20% done with this deployment. I can't wait until I see 25%. I am soooo ready for my husband to be home. Life seems so dull without him.


Come home soon, Adam. I love you forever and ever.

retrospect

This date. Realistically. My son probably would have been born weeks before now, but the fact that this date exists..this date that I have, and forever will..what can I do with this? How can I handle this?

My husband said we did all we could and that's what matters. I guess he is right. He said he wants to try again when he gets home, but I really don't know how ready I will be for that. It's just opening up the opportunity to throw ourselves into the lions den once again. Maybe this doctor can help, maybe going to him will ease my fears and figure out what we can do to make sure it doesn't happen again.

How can I look at the bigger picture with this? What direction should I go to ease this pain. This overwhelming emptiness, anger, confusion..all I seem to want is my husband. November can't come soon enough. My heart is hurting so bad, I need my other half.

I love that man more than I could ever explain.

this is probably what fits best, without diving into depression.

that's the best quality I could find.

Lady Antebellum - one day you will

communication

It really breaks my heart, that after two hours of skype and countless phone calls from my husband this week..he calls me last night around 7 desperate to talk to me because he is so upset and misses me so much. I reassure him I am always waiting, always loving, and always missing him. I wish there was more I could do, than just sending him packages and letters and reassuring him I am waiting. I feel so helpless when he calls and he is so upset.

So here is one of my favorite poems by Emily Dickinson.

If you were coming in the fall, 

I'd brush the summer by 

With half a smile and half a spurn, 

As housewives do a fly.

If I could see you in a year, 

I'd wind the months in balls, 

And put them each in separate drawers, 

Until their time befalls.

If only centuries delayed, 

I'd count them on my hand, 

Subtracting till my fingers dropped 

Into Van Diemens land.

If certain, when this life was out, 

That yours and mine should be, 

I'd toss it yonder like a rind, 

And taste eternity.

But now, all ignorant of the length

Of time's uncertain wing, 

It goads me, like the goblin bee, 

That will not state its sting. 

I love you always, Adam.

That, you will never have to question.

You are the only thing that got me through

the worst time of our lives.

You are my happiness.

I would wait forever.