Well, the title of this post is based on the conflict of my hormones and my emotions, decisions, state of mind..etc. People who are close to me know that I have had issues with depression in the past, and have successfully learned and prayed a way to manage and really get rid of the problem. For those who don't keep up with me anymore, this is my 3rd pregnancy. As you can tell, I don't have any little ones running around..so this pregnancy is super scary and intimidating to me. With everything that has happened to Adam and I in the last year and a half, we really really really hope and pray that this is finally our answered prayer. There has been too much loss and death in our lives since we have been married..and I don't know how much more we can tolerate at the moment. We have done so well considering...I would just like to see a genuine smile on my husbands face that I have missed for a long time now.
Anyway, the conflict. Since I have become pregnant I have been 'unhappy'. It's hard to tell if it's just hormones or if it's really me. I know during the whole 8 months Adam was gone I never allowed myself to hurt or be sad or anything...we had just lost a son and I was without my husband so I refused to make it worse for myself so I lost 60 lbs and worked full time at a daycare. Now, I am having these feelings of 'I am not where I'm meant to be', 'I am so unhappy', 'I want to go home', etc etc..I just can't tell if it's hormones and it really bothers me. I have issues with this so this may be why it's such a scary realization that these emotions are coming back. I don't want to deal with them again.
Keep a good attitude no matter what is going on in your life. (Col. 3:12)
So, do I keep praying for a transformation? Or is it just hormones and I need to deal with it? It's not my first experience with pregnancy issues..my first pregnancy I was SUPER depressed...so I am afraid maybe the hormones trigger something I don't want to be triggered.
Ugh. frustration.
I know you are going to worry about the "what if's" but try to keep your head up. Not all women enjoy pregnancy and for some it can be not only miserable but traumatizing. Try to enjoy the feeling of your body nuturing another human being. There is a baby in your belly growing everyday. God has a plan for you Brittany and your family. Trust in his ways are always good. I've never suffered the loss of a child but I am a paranoid parent that keeps their children a little over protected from fear of loosing them. Maybe that is from the loss of losing one of my parents. I am praying for you everyday. Try to get involved in pregnancy yoga or any activity that can inspire you. Maybe volunteer in a soup kitchen or see what that small town really needs. God maybe calling you to do BIG things in that Small town. I love you , keep your head up girl.
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