What's the point?

Basically, what's the point of this blog for me? It's not just for me to use as a diary or whatever but I have always had this feeling of guilt throughout my life to keep my life an open book for anyone who knows me. It's kind of like a "hey, I know I am weird but here's what I go through and this may explain myself a little better. I am a really cool person, just get to know me a little deeper and you'll get that I have a HUGE heart too," ...kinda. A lot of times it backfires and people are just too overwhelmed by my large personality, but I can't change who I am or my conviction to let people know who I am. Take it or leave it, I don't accept negativity I don't need.

Anyway.

So since the last post I obviously have gone about my life doing schoolwork, being pregnant, trying to not gain a ton of weight, hanging out with friends and husband, humoring my crazy kitty, etc etc...but I got a job finally. My boss knows I am pregant and so far she is the only one there that will know for a while. It's been a pain trying to get everything done to start, but it's getting there and working out.

A little on the deep/negative side. I warn you, it's from my angry/sad/scared/jealous side of me.
So as I get closer to my 15th week of pregnancy..I become more and more convinced that my baby is dead or will be dead. Even though I can already feel this little booger moving and I just KNOW when my baby is gone from experience in the past...It really makes me furious to see all these happy pregnant women and how easy it is for them to be excited and happy about their pregnancies. I keep thinking, "why is it so easy for everyone else and why do my babies have to die? why did I have to give birth to a dead son at almost 19 weeks with no explanation yet all these girls with their first pregnancies don't even think twice about losing a baby" and if anyone who is a first timer tells me they worry they're gonnna miscarry, kiss my butt. You don't know what worrying if a baby is going to die is really like til you have experienced the death of your own. I remember the 'before' I lost him, it's nothing compared to now. I am still angry I lost Raiden. I find myself angrier now because now I am constantly worried about losing this one. I am convinced in my crazy brain that this one will die, even though there is no reason it should. It makes me mad that I was robbed of my innocence with this and that I can never be calm and just ENJOY a baby growing inside me. No matter how much I explain it..unless you've been through it you won't get it. And even the girls that read this that are pregnant will never fully appreciate this post or how painful losing a child really is. No matter how much my insight may open their eyes. It is just THAT painful.

I find that I can look to music from a few years ago I used to enjoy to make me feel better. It just helps me know that I am not the only person in the world that deals with these emotions, even if it's completely unrelated.

We all flirt with the tiniest notion

of self-conclusion in one simplified motion.

You see the trick is that you're never supposed to act on it,

No matter how unbearable this misery gets.