November...

Every year November has a tragedy in store for me. I haven't posted on here since before Adalyn was born, and even with the amazing blessing she is, hell has had its way with me. I am sure most people have noticed a change recently, and if you don't know what's going on don't bother guessing or assuming. You are wrong. I promise.

I have never felt so empty, alone, scared, and hopeless all my life. Those that know cannot believe what happened, and honestly I can't either. I am torn in so many different directions. The birth and life of my little Adalyn is supposed to be the happiest time, yet an over abundance of heartache fills our lives. I am just grateful she may never know.

I had a whole lot of encouraging thoughts to write here earlier, but my sadness hits me when I don't want it to lately. My heart is so broken, and I thought it might get easier by now, but it has only become more difficult.

I always knew I was strong and I could handle a lot more than most, and it's still true. I am just sick of it. I am sick of doing everything I can to bring joy to others and just having hell dropped down on me. This may follow me for years, and for that I am not prepared to endure.

My precious Adalyn keeps me going. I don't know what I would do without her beautiful smile. She is amazing.

It's not fair she was a part of this. And as I write this with tears in my eyes, I pray that no one ever feels this pain. And for those that have, I am so terribly sorry you have every had to go through this. I know I will make it through this and there will be better days, but God please stop robbing me of my happiness. I am so sick of hurting. I am sick of feeling so alone. I hate feeling like I should be the strong one a hold on yet want to run so fast in the opposite direction. When will this end?

Tennessee

It never gets any easier coming back from a trip to Tennessee. We always come back with a new empty feeling. I guess we should just be thankful we are able to visit as others are not so fortunate to go home. This time we brought Masey with us, and I was so hesitant and worried about doing that at first. Surprisingly, she was very good during the whole trip and only meowed for three hours on the way back to NC :P I guess she didn't want to come back either. This last trip will most likely be the last trip we will be able to make to Tennessee until after Adalyn comes into this world. My stomach flips every time I think about it. You don't realize how close it is until you're right on it. She could come in as little as 3 weeks if she is anything like my sister and I. That is a crazy thought.

Since we have been back, we discovered there could be more potential problems with Adam's pay, and if you have kept up with us you know that it has been messed up since January. That's right- a good 9 months now. Please pray for us that it is fixed soon, it is the last thing we should worry about with Adalyn's due date so close. The weather feels different since we have been back too, even though we were only gone a week. Adam and I agreed that it feels like fall today..even if it was still 80 degrees outside.

One thing that tends to happen is Adam saying he wants out of the Marine Corps when we get back from Tennessee, then something goes on in his head and he says he wants to stay in a few weeks later. I would love to be home. So bad.

Anyway, there is really not much to mention. Other than life is continuing as is and things are moving along as always. Just keep the prayers and support coming <3

Yippee!!!

So, I know it's been a while since I posted and I've just been so busy with work and school I don't even get time to breathe it feels like!

So...baby Patten is a GIRL!!! and if you've been following my updates on facebook you've known this for weeks now. Her name is Adalyn Dorothy. Adalyn means noble and Dorothy means gift from God, and is also my grandmothers name on my fathers side. We are very excited to have a little girl!!! I am already so in love with her and have to show off the pictures we got at the 4d ultrasound.

I don't know if you can tell, but she is obsessed with her hands and has Adam's nose :)

 

Also, since my last post I have figured out that my job title is Lead Teacher for  one of the school age rooms at my job. It's pretty interesting, but it's nice and the pay doesn't hurt either :)

 

Adam and I have been discussing Tennessee a lot more lately, and with Adalyn on the way it seems Adam is leaning more towards staying in the Marine Corps until he can retire, or wait until I have my Master's at least if he does decide to get out, which should be by the time this contract is up anyway. We are just not sure, we just want to do what's best for our growing family.

 

Speaking of what's best for the family. WE FINALLY GOT A NEW (reliable) CAR!!!! 2012 Honda Civic, so now I can go to Tennessee and not wonder if I will actually make it or not :) here she is:

 

Aside from things obviously being stressful, things are paying off!!! I jumped on the deal with the car while I could because I hadn't found better for a Honda. School is hectic with this summer overlap, but it will be worth it by next May, and work is going well and bringing in the money that we need to prepare for baby Adalyn. We have already starting purchasing cloth diapers (yes, we are doing cloth diapers), clothes, a swing, and are working slowly on other things. Adam told me today he is very excited to be having a daughter, and I am so excited for him to have his little daddy's girl.

 

 

I want to say thank you for all of the people who are praying for us and continue to do so. So far Adalyn is a very strong baby and everything looks great, and we believe she will continue to do so. We may not know all the answers, but we are doing our best and are very thankful for how far we've come and will continue to go through this journey with a new confidence. Hopefully, our past won't repeat itself and our years of death and sadness will fade, at least for a long while. Please, continue to pray for baby Adalyn, as she is our main concern and priority right now. Thanks everyone, I can't say enough how much I love you all. 

Apologies

Lately, I have had a lot of people apologize to me for the way they've treated me in the past. Some I can tell are sincere, some are most definitely not, and some I just don't know. I don't know what has brought people to apologize to me lately, but I appreciate the ones who truly mean it. The hormonal side of me is just angry that there even needs to be apologies, but I know there is nothing I can do but forgive and move on.

This pregnancy seems to be going very well...and I pray and pray that it continues to do so. I just want my baby to be healthy and in my arms alive and well when the time comes. I think Adam is getting to the point where he is hopeful for this pregnancy and is actually started to get excited :)

I have to say...I am SO THANKFUL for my job. It gets tiring with pregnancy and school also in my life, but it has definitely helped my sanity immensely. Pregnancy may make me tired, but I try my best to push through it and just remind myself to pay attention to my limits.

I still miss home. I miss my friends, my family, and everything I know and love. The only thing that makes it bearable is to know this situation is not forever. The idea of Adam and I having to stay here possibly another two years is daunting, but I believe it will all be ok...and we pray that God directs us where to go from here.

I just pray for my husband. God knows why. My heart hurts for him and I want him to feel at peace.

Anyway, a little short and not so amazing but this is the end of this update.

"chin up! This too shall pass!"

Habakkuk 1:5

"..For I am going to do something in your days that you would not believe, even if you were told." Habakkuk 1:5, NIV.


I have been doing this new thing when I read the Bible, where I will start reading where my heart is drawn to be reading. Some days it's the same book, some days it's a completely random book and chapter. This is what I found the other day using that 'technique'. I can say there have been many, many things in my life that have happened that I never would have believed if someone had told me it was going to happen to me. For instance, finding my husband whom I went to middle AND high school with and marrying him, moving away, and especially him being in the military. The song by Bruno Mars comes to mind when I think about how things happened with Adam, "All I went through led me to you, so I'd do it all over again for you."
Another thing that significantly changed me that occured is the loss of our son in 2011. I can't say I ever saw it coming, I mean..most people never think they are going to lose a child until it happens. It changes every part of you in ways you didn't think change was a possibility. At first, yes, I was a wreck. I still have my moments where I break down and resent everything God has ever done for me, but looking at who I was before and who I am now, I can see why it happeneed...even if it seems dark or morbid.

Anyway, back to the verse. I have been feeling down every once in a while to the point where I am convinced I need a change in my life, a purpose, or to move back home...or actually all three. I found this verse on one of those days I was feeling particularly low and it really really really was exactly what I needed to see. I am anxious to start my job, but I am trying my best to be patient and allow God to do his work in his time. Also, let's just assume all my bad feelings are just pregnancy related ;)

Dad came to visit this weekend and we did a lot of exploring. We went to Myrtle beach just so I could eat at a certain seafood restaurant, and we went to Fort Macon, and discovered one of my new favorite little restaurants in Atlantic beach. He left this morning and it's left a hole in my heart that makes me want to be home more than ever. I do have to admit, time is flying and I pray it continues to do so. I mean, my birthday is this weekend. This week it will be May...in my head I am still stuck in December and can even remember last year I was preparing to start working at the YWCA in Bristol. It does NOT feel like it's been a year since that time.

Anyway, to my friends back home that read this...I miss you all more than you could ever imagine. Talking to you every day or every other day helps me through this paranoia phase in my pregnancy and makes me feel a little closer to home. To those who have befriended me here, thank you. I know most people don't know my past or why I am the way I am (the ones who haven't known me long anyway) and it just means a lot to have someone there to talk to or just be around when I feel so isolated from MY world back home. Things have been tough, and to those who have been there I am very very grateful.

Anyway, I am done being sappy. Continue praying folks <3

What's the point?

Basically, what's the point of this blog for me? It's not just for me to use as a diary or whatever but I have always had this feeling of guilt throughout my life to keep my life an open book for anyone who knows me. It's kind of like a "hey, I know I am weird but here's what I go through and this may explain myself a little better. I am a really cool person, just get to know me a little deeper and you'll get that I have a HUGE heart too," ...kinda. A lot of times it backfires and people are just too overwhelmed by my large personality, but I can't change who I am or my conviction to let people know who I am. Take it or leave it, I don't accept negativity I don't need.

Anyway.

So since the last post I obviously have gone about my life doing schoolwork, being pregnant, trying to not gain a ton of weight, hanging out with friends and husband, humoring my crazy kitty, etc etc...but I got a job finally. My boss knows I am pregant and so far she is the only one there that will know for a while. It's been a pain trying to get everything done to start, but it's getting there and working out.

A little on the deep/negative side. I warn you, it's from my angry/sad/scared/jealous side of me.
So as I get closer to my 15th week of pregnancy..I become more and more convinced that my baby is dead or will be dead. Even though I can already feel this little booger moving and I just KNOW when my baby is gone from experience in the past...It really makes me furious to see all these happy pregnant women and how easy it is for them to be excited and happy about their pregnancies. I keep thinking, "why is it so easy for everyone else and why do my babies have to die? why did I have to give birth to a dead son at almost 19 weeks with no explanation yet all these girls with their first pregnancies don't even think twice about losing a baby" and if anyone who is a first timer tells me they worry they're gonnna miscarry, kiss my butt. You don't know what worrying if a baby is going to die is really like til you have experienced the death of your own. I remember the 'before' I lost him, it's nothing compared to now. I am still angry I lost Raiden. I find myself angrier now because now I am constantly worried about losing this one. I am convinced in my crazy brain that this one will die, even though there is no reason it should. It makes me mad that I was robbed of my innocence with this and that I can never be calm and just ENJOY a baby growing inside me. No matter how much I explain it..unless you've been through it you won't get it. And even the girls that read this that are pregnant will never fully appreciate this post or how painful losing a child really is. No matter how much my insight may open their eyes. It is just THAT painful.

I find that I can look to music from a few years ago I used to enjoy to make me feel better. It just helps me know that I am not the only person in the world that deals with these emotions, even if it's completely unrelated.

We all flirt with the tiniest notion

of self-conclusion in one simplified motion.

You see the trick is that you're never supposed to act on it,

No matter how unbearable this misery gets.

 

 

 





Roller Coaster Ride

The title of this post is fitting, because life is like a roller coaster ride. Especially when you're pregnant and stuck in your house in a town you don't consider home. I am trying to make the best of it, I really am. I swear it's only been so sucky since I've been pregant. I have been looking for a job for weeks now, and so far I have had no luck. My car is acting up, surprise surprise..so a job would be ideal for me..in my mind. I prayed before I was pregnant that if I should have a job that it be in God's hands, because I wasn't certain it would be healthy for me if I were to end up pregnant again. Well, here I am and still no job. So, if I am not supposed to have a job and things are acting up I need to accept that it is God's plan and pray for guidance, acceptance, and peace instead of all these changes I seem to want to make in my life. Prayer warriors, I am calling you! Anyone who knows me well knows my past and understands my need for some prayer.

On another note. Mom and Bailee came to visit me this weekend. We went to Myrtle Beach and it was awesome and brought back so many childhood memories of vacations in MB :)

 

 

 

I really hope life takes a turn for me. A good turn. Adam still plans to get out in the next year if not sooner, and we know in our hearts this is what is right for our family, even if we do have to struggle at first.

 

All we can do is pray. 



Conflict

Well, the title of this post is based on the conflict of my hormones and my emotions, decisions, state of mind..etc. People who are close to me know that I have had issues with depression in the past, and have successfully learned and prayed a way to manage and really get rid of the problem. For those who don't keep up with me anymore, this is my 3rd pregnancy. As you can tell, I don't have any little ones running around..so this pregnancy is super scary and intimidating to me. With everything that has happened to Adam and I in the last year and a half, we really really really hope and pray that this is finally our answered prayer. There has been too much loss and death in our lives since we have been married..and I don't know how much more we can tolerate at the moment. We have done so well considering...I would just like to see a genuine smile on my husbands face that I have missed for a long time now.

Anyway, the conflict. Since I have become pregnant I have been 'unhappy'. It's hard to tell if it's just hormones or if it's really me. I know during the whole 8 months Adam was gone I never allowed myself to hurt or be sad or anything...we had just lost a son and I was without my husband so I refused to make it worse for myself so I lost 60 lbs and worked full time at a daycare. Now, I am having these feelings of  'I am not where I'm meant to be', 'I am so unhappy', 'I want to go home', etc etc..I just can't tell if it's hormones and it really bothers me. I have issues with this so this may be why it's such a scary realization that these emotions are coming back. I don't want to deal with them again.

Keep a good attitude no matter what is going on in your life. (Col. 3:12)

So, do I keep praying for a transformation? Or is it just hormones and I need to deal with it? It's not my first experience with pregnancy issues..my first pregnancy I was SUPER depressed...so I am afraid maybe the hormones trigger something I don't want to be triggered.

Ugh. frustration.

Feelings

People suggest I write more, or blog more..or just something to get my 'feelings' out. Hormones. Heartache. Battles. Mixed in one..what a trainwreck, right?

I guess in my head I am convinced I will lose this baby too. Even though everything looks good so far and every pregnancy symptom I would expect to have is there....I still am convinced my body is not 'good enough' to allow a baby to grow inside me and manage to stay alive. I FEEL like everything will be ok, but my head...and a little bit of my heart is skeptical. I am fighting demons every day to battle these bad thoughts.

I feel a little abandoned. By quite a number of people at the moment..
It seems when you truly need someone to be there, they step out. Shocking..it shouldn't be..but it is every time.
The one person you SHOULD be able to turn to tells you to suck it up and get over it. Even if your safety is in jeopardy.
Others merely just ignore you, or ignore what you are going through. Disappear, basically. Again, shouldn't be shocking.
The person you consider the one human being you can count on and trust, breaks that trust. I have learned this over and over again. Why am I surprised?

So here I am daily trying to figure out what I am doing with my life now, and I just feel abandoned. I turn to Jesus, because He is really the only person that knows how my heart is breaking. I am stronger than this and I know this, always have.

Like I said before...hormones. I don't know if this has a lot to do with hormones or not..but it just seems more than coincidence the rest of these things are happening as well. I've been worse. Many times, but it's been a while since I have felt down like this.

I guess...in short...I am in reality OK. Some things have happened that I didn't foresee and I am dealing with them..with only God. I guess that sums it up.

I sang today..and this is my favorite song of all time...always has been always will..it's short..and embarrassing...but it's what I felt like doing.

Changes in the Atmosphere

Well, since most people who read this are friends with me on facebook anyway, I guess saying "I'M PREGNANT!!!" is a little old now. Anyway, I went to the doctor today and it was my 3rd ultrasound and the first time it actually looked a little bit like a baby. I am 8 weeks and 3 days today and so far so good...I have to remind myself to ask my doctor to check my thyroid levels next time though, just to be sure.

I have to say though, I am not nearly as big as I was with my first pregnancies but I feel HUGE already. I already can't button my pants and ugh. I should just be thankful that I am pregnant and so far so good..I am just going to hang in there until I am 18 weeks and 5 days, because Lord knows I am going to be AT THE DOCTOR that day to be sure everything is ok. I will never forget my little Raiden, and how traumatizing it was to give birth to a dead son. I just PRAY this one will be ok, even though pregnancy symptoms are KILLING me.

Adam and I found a new church that we really really love, thank God. I have missed having a church that I really enjoy and feel close to Christ as well as the congregation. I have been so emotional and depressed with all these hormones lately, maybe a little (or a lot) of Jesus is just what I need to make it here. Of course :)

Adam has also been looking into getting out of the Marine Corps within the next year or so. I know we always talked about him retiring in the military, but with everything that's happened and is happening it almost seems absurd to NOT be at home in east Tennessee. We want to plant our roots in a place we can call home, not a place we are forced to live. I have missed it so much I visited by myself last week to see my family. I can't wait to be home. I just PRAY it will all work out for us and our growing family.

Anyway, that's all the update I have for now. I am sure I am missing a lot but I haven't been posting lately so I will try to fix that :)