Enough

It's so hard to be positive. I am trying so hard to make the best out of things, but this feeling is not a choice. I don't choose to feel this way. I just want peace.

I had nothing before him, he is my motivation to go on. When he is not here I lose motivation for anything. I never knew I could love someone so deeply. Why can't I just be ok? I don't even need to be wonderful or ecstatic, just ok would be great with me. How am I supposed to be ok when they only person I want to share my life with won't be there when I need him most? How is that ok?

Someone tell me why I should be ok. Someone tell me why my life is great. Someone just help me see things in a brighter light. I can't help myself anymore. I am so exhausted. I just want to sleep everything away. This is not ok.

Sick

I really hate this. This town, mostly. Going to Tennessee was great but coming back here only to let my husband leave for 3 weeks really blows. I just wanna be home for good and not have to be here in this CRAP excuse for a town. I try to be positive, but that's really difficult when you feel like this. I will find out what the baby is on the 12th, and I pray Adam can call me that day. I want him to know first. I will probably start crying at the ultrasound, just knowing I am alone there and Adam can't be there, just like everything else. I honestly don't even see the point in living in this town if Adam is never here anyway. I would see him the same amount if I lived in TN. I am just so bummed, I don't know what to be positive about regarding this place. I want to go home.  I want Adam to be home, especially during times like these.

Crap

Life just keeps dumping its crap on me.

Endless effing cycle, can you please let up on me now?

Home

I have to keep reminding myself that it will all work out, I am a very willful person, I will make this happen. Just a few more days and we will be in TN for about 2 weeks, if I decide to go back for 3 weeks while Adam is training, I will do that too.

I just love my husband, boo on  you Marine Corps. You're not very nice.

I just can't wait to go home.

Life

I am not sure why I keep insisting on being alone when Adam is gone. I am starting to be ok with it though. I could easily go hang out with someone, but I don't. It's just not the same. Maybe soon I will feel like getting out. Still waiting to see if Adam's leave was approved. I really hope it is.. I can't wait to go home and see all my friends and family.

You really learn what true friendship is  when you move away from home. And honestly, to those who don't get me, I really don't care. If someone won't take the time to understand and know me, then I am not going to take the time to have a friendship with them.

I guess I don't have much to say today. Maybe later.

Time.

Adam and I went to church Sunday. I must say I was pleasantly shocked at his reaction to this church. He loved it..and it was HIS idea to get more involved and go EVERY Sunday. He made me so proud.

We get to go to TN in about a week. I must say I am overly excited and this week can't go by fast enough. I can't wait to spend time with my family and eat like a pig for Thanksgiving. I am still adjusting to this place and being away from the little ones. As time goes on and things get hectic, I am sure my sadness and loneliness will fade. I hope anyway. Only a few more years then we can be home..for good. Lord, give me strength to last through those years.

Today was a pretty decent day. Spending time with Adam and goofing off with him was nice. I just can't wait to go home.

Memories.

It's impossible to change over night. To the people that think I have completely changed due to the drastic change in my life..I haven't completely gotten over what happened nearly a year ago. I have merely started to fight, and possibly find the love for myself to continue to fight until my life starts to make sense and have purpose.  Don't sit there and think that marriage fixed me. It didn't. Healing is a long process. I use this blog so I feel like I am not hiding, and I won't take it out on my husband. When I hurt, he hurts. I am trying to be better.

I feel like running away

I'm still so far from home

You say I'll never change but what the f*ck do you know?

I'll burn it all to the ground, before I let you in

Please forgive me, I can't forgive you now.

 If I could hold back the rain, would you numb the pain?

Cause I remember everything.

Confusing

Well, I am officially in the Pharmacy Tech program. I hope no one will mind to hire me almost a year after I complete it. I just want to complete it while I am pregnant.

I don't have much to say today, mostly because what I want to say may be too much for some to hear. For those who don't understand me or know what I am speaking of, it may just be too much. So until I have to say it in a way that won't confuse or worry people, I won't say it.




I kind of miss being numb. It beats stress, worry, depression, all that.

Let's see what this leads to.

Again, I have started a blog. It seems I always start one when something comes into my life that significantly changes me. If you want a refresher of me this time last year take a look at http://brittc5490-partmyribslikethesea.blogspot.com/ I am sure you will notice a difference. If not, oh well.

Well here is what's different:
1) I am nocturnal lol
2) I am married to a wonderful man
3) I am pregnant
4) I live in North Carolina, due to the OH SO WONDERFUL Marine Corps ..ha
5) I no longer have absolutely no desire to move forward in life

I feel the old feelings of worry and stress coming back. You know, the old paranoia sneaking back up on me forcing me into a busy life that drove me crazy to begin with. At least now I know how to slow it down. That, or I just don't know where any opportunities are around here. I have contemplated becoming a writer, but hey, I already do that. I just don't publish or get paid for my writing. How inconvenient.

I never  thought in a million years I would miss home as much as I do. It's a little uncanny. For someone who absolutely hated home and couldn't wait to get out...I can't wait to go back. Reason; I miss my family. I know what it's like to lose your family due to petty disagreements from 10 years ago, I just want to be around the family I have left. I want my family to be around this child growing inside me. I want my father to teach my child how to fish like he did with me. I want my mother to be around the corner when I have a melt down, like she did with my grandmother while I was a baby.

I miss the beauty of home. I miss the mountains and valleys, rivers, waterfalls, and the sweet smell of pure, untouched nature (away from Eastman that is). Jacksonville is not very pretty. It smells very badly. The people aren't much better. I am looking for the good in this place. It is very hard to find anything worth liking in this town.

I guess some may wonder why I am not constantly talking about this baby growing inside me. Well, truth is I am constantly thinking about the little human in my tummy. Sometimes I need a break, because the stress of Adam leaving at such an inconvenient time is overwhelming. Not having him there for the birth will tear me apart. It is tearing me apart. I can live with him being gone for a few months of its life, but the birth you can never get back. This is why I despise the Marine Corps. Yea, I knew what I was getting into, but I have a life of my own, and Adam is in it. The Marine Corps is not my life. If only I could give someone a piece of my mind...I guarantee I am more intelligent than most of those idiots. Sorry, I am just a bit bitter.

I guess I have written enough tonight. Maybe I will sleep? Probably not.