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I don't know where to begin. I don't know what it is that I can change to make this better. I thought I knew what I enjoyed in life, now that's all thrown out the window. I loved working with children. Now, I can barely be around them at all. So, knowing what to do with my life...that's a whole other obstacle in its own.

When I think about what could make things better, all that comes to mind is my son. That is all I want. I can't have him..so..what do I do? I have no idea where to go from here.

I wish I was stronger. I wish I could stop being so angry. I try, but I feel like it's wrong NOT to be angry..

It has made me so scared to do anything. I am scared to ever become pregnant again, I am scared I will lose my husband, I am scared to lose everything...almost like it has already happened. I don't want him to leave..those days where I just lose it..who will be there for me?

Plenty can say they will "be there", but in all honesty they just run. They don't understand..so they go as far away from me as possible..pretending they don't see what's happening so they don't have to face it.

I can't help but absolutely hate those that were not happy for me when I told them I was pregnant. I really fucking despise them right now..I hate it.

I just want to know what this was supposed to teach me..It has left me with almost nothing.
I don't know what to do with my life anymore.
I don't know what to look forward to, or if I can..
I am terrified of almost everything.

I don't know how to be happy anymore. I don't know if I ever can be truly happy, knowing my son is not with me..

If you think this is "emo", or repetitive..just look at yourself in the mirror, and ask yourself.."what would I do in this situation, how would I feel if in retrospect I lost everything I ever dreamt of?" ...then tell me I am wrong. I will tell you you are blissfully naive..and thank God for that.

Cheers

This may be one of the nights I drink myself into oblivion, and before I do I thought I might try and be a cheesy little twit and write it out in here.

I am dreading deployment. DREADING it. I don't usually worry about being away from Adam. I just worry about the days where I will feel like I won't be able to handle anything alone.

Jealousy stabs at me every fucking day. I can't be happy for my own best friend because it happens so easily for others, yet here I am. Here we are. Yearning, hurting, and completely crushed. How can I be happy? It's so easy for someone else to say be happy for someone, when they haven't gone through us. Why our son? Why HIM?

I have been strong, and I have been doing better. Don't look at me like I am weak because I have my off days. I guarantee most people wouldn't be doing as well as I am. If "well" is what you want to call it.

I really want to scream a big "FUCK YOU" to a lot of people right now. Maybe break their kneecaps too. Anger seems to be the strong factor right now, so...fuck you.

I am hurting. Really bad. If you can't handle it.  Go.The.Fuck.Away.

I pray and I pray...I feel like I am just repeating myself over and over..like maybe ONE time my prayer will go off somewhere and actually be delivered? This is a vicious cycle. This is a vicious life, world, shit. UGH.

to all those who don't like this blog..eat shit.

Love is Alive

As this deployment approaches, the dread seems to taper away as realization of never having to say goodbye again sets in. I can't wait for that day. Our love is strong, one of a kind, an answered prayer. Many years of heartache and struggle were worth enduring for my darling husband.  He truly is my answered prayer. I have never been more thankful in my life.

I cried and thanked God when this song came on. My husband <3

Distance

Lord, my husband is so good. There is not a day that goes by that I am not constantly thinking of him..in the midst of so much pain and confusing, he is my one true blessing. I don't know how I was so lucky to have him, but I wouldn't trade him for anything. I am just ready to give him a beautiful life, which I have felt I haven't up to this point, even though in all reality it's probably not my fault. The one thing that both of us want, I wish wasn't so hard to have..yet, here we are.

I have had a rough life, yes, but not the worst..definitely not the worst. One day, when I feel the need to start writing about my life on here I will..I feel it would help those understand where I am coming from if I do..but it's a lot of typing..and I don't have the time for that at the moment. I just want to focus on happiness for a while..and bringing up the past too much may interfere with that..so one day. Maybe soon, maybe not.

My son is proud of mommy and daddy, of this I am sure. Adam says so too..I love that man.

Restoration

Yea, life has left me somewhat bitter and completely fragile. Sorry if people don't understand when I turn away from a baby picture or become silent when talking about pregnancy. It just hurts, if you don't understand then you are not worth my struggle.

That being said, I am doing very well. Yes, with my bad days where sorrow seems imminent and my husband is nowhere to be found. Training sucks, and deployment will suck but somehow I have managed to be "ok". That's far better than I would have imagined.

Although my trust in God has somewhat faltered recently, I am leaving it up to him to plan my future. I can't plan anymore, it hurts too much and I just become impatient and angry.. So, here's to you God.

Again, I have had to delete certain things out of my life to protect myself. I have refused to work back in daycare which is the only thing I loved doing upto now. I have had to delete good friends of mine off facebook to avoid seeing baby pictures or pregnancy announcements. Sorry, I am not jealous, it just hurts really bad to be reminded of what we lost.

Don't tell me I will make a great mother someday, I am a great mother. My son is proud I am sure. So, there it is.


<3 love and miss you Adam. Hurry home, and be prepared. You will be jumped <3