A hole in my heart.

A month ago was the worst day of my life. As time moves forward life gets more bearable, but there is a piece of my heart in the shape of my son that only he could fill. I don't really know what to look forward to anymore. All I can do is move forward, each day, little by little. I wonder how I will ever just be ok, or content, or anything other than empty. And so it goes, so life goes on. It seems wrong for it to do so, how is the world ok when a baby dies, or when a child dies, or anyone really. We all die, but how can it be ok for someone to die when they haven't had the chance to live? At least he will never have to endure the things people go through that makes them want to die..I wish I could just see him in heaven, if just for a moment, to know he is ok.

Light?

is there light at the end of the tunnel?

during my doctors visit today she informed me of the pathology report for our son. Here is what she said:
There was nothing wrong with him, his heart and all his organs were fine, there was no sign of infection or disorder which could have caused this.
My thyroid had nothing to do with what happened, those were her exact words. My depression/anxiety as well had nothing to do with what happened. Basically, there was no reason and nothing was wrong.
She said this is good news because  if there was nothing wrong then I should have a perfectly fine pregnancy in the future, and I am already ovulating again which is good because my body is functioning correctly.
She also said there is no reason to wait to conceive again, she said compared to other women I am dealing with this wonderfully, well as wonderfully as I can I guess.

with that said, we may try again. I believe it will happen when it is meant to, so we won't prevent it if it does.
Please continue to pray, thanks.

self-conclusion

today, is not a good day. last night was not a good night. will this ever stop? burying myself in other things i've been told is not healthy, then what is?
where is my peace? where is my happiness? when will this vicious cycle end?

I don't want the world to see me

Cause I don't think that they'd understand

When everything's made to be broken

I just want you to know who I am

Calm before the storm

Being back in Jacksonville has left me with an empty feeling, and another feeling I cannot put into words. I unpacked this morning and I didn't even want to touch my maternity clothes. I made a "shrine" to our son on top of our bookcase, it made me feel better for some reason. I am very scared I am just going to get fed up with being here and leave. I don't want to leave my husband, but I feel being here is just bad, very bad for me. I don't know what to do yet. I don't really know how I feel yet. But I haven't broken down yet, and I am afraid it will just all hit me at once, and I won't be able to take it. I am scared.

I wish you'd hold me when I turn my back.

My skin has been stretched

My soul has been crushed

I had an angel inside me -

An angel I never touched.

My heart is broken, battered, and torn.

I have had years of battle,

now, the devil has won.

I am angry and saddened beyond repair.

there is nothing in this world to save me

from the confines of my despair.

I love you forever,

but I will not heal.

There is nothing in this world to describe how I feel.

I would give my life to bring you back.

I love you son, never forget that.

Devastation

Everyone is asking how I am. Everyone wants to know what happened. Well, how  about you shut the fuck up and know that I am not at all ok and one of the worst things that could have happened to us did. I am sick of hearing of your petty woes or how healthy and perfect your children are. No offense, I am glad they are but please stop flaunting it in front of me. I am completely crushed and crying while I am typing this. I am angry and scared and I wanted and loved that baby more than anything I could have ever know. When I found out it was a boy and I had to deliver "him" I felt so helpless. I wanted nothing more than to reach down and snatch him up and breathe life back in him and protect something so innocent. I feel God is using me as some sick comical ammusement. All I have ever asked for is to finally be happy and have a good life. I was so happy to be having a child, I was so ready to see what life really meant. Now, it just slaps us in the face, again. And one wonders why I am the way that I am. I try to tell myself that the baby felt no pain, that he is safe in Heaven and these things "just happen". How are we supposed to have hope when we don't know why it happened and how are we supposed to feel ok about another child when we don't know how to prevent this thing from happening again? Right now I just want to give up on being altogether. I feel like I failed. I feel like I failed my child. I failed my husband. I failed my family. I failed myself. What hurts the most is I failed my innocent, helpless, defenseless child. How can this be ok? How can someone be ok with this? How am I supposed to be normal? My poor husband is so devastated. How am I supposed to be strong for him when I am barely strong enough for myself? How can we be without one another?

In short, I am not ok. I am angry, devastated, and utterly frightened. There are so many things to describe how I feel, but not one can be what I feel. I want everyone to go away and be there at the same time. I want people to realize I am not ok, and stop ignoring what happened, that's not good for me. I heal by talking, I heal by thinking and rationalizing. Right now I just have to believe our son is in Heaven saying, "Mommy, don't cry." That's the only thing that makes it any easier. I love him so much. This hurts so much. Why me? Why us? Someone take this pain away, please.