Thoughts

I can't sleep. Thinking about the possible outcomes of tomorrows news is making me incredibly anxious. There are many things on my mind, but the possibility of my husband not coming home for a while is what's making my sanity lose its grip. That, and the fact that I am not as dumb as people seem to think I am.

I am pretty intelligent. Not just book smarts, but I am damn good at reading people. I am not oblivious, and I will not make myself a part of some petty high school ...well..bullshit.

I have obviously been through enough in my lifetime - not to mention what I've been through in the last year - that I do not have ONE OUNCE of energy left in me to fight with someone over their own stupidity and ignorance.

Yea, I am different. I am weird. That doesn't make me a bad person. So, if you decide you can't "handle" me...that's your loss. Honestly, I feel sorry for you. I hope one day you grow up and realize life isn't all butterflies and rainbows. Life hurts. It can be painful. It can absolutely SUCK. I think I have dealt with it quite well. If you don't, sorry. You will learn one day, but I won't be around to say I told you so.

Anyway, my prayers go out tonight for my husband and all the others currently in the same situation. I pray that whatever happens is the absolute BEST outcome for everyone. I want him home more than anything, but only God knows what is best. I just selfishly pray that involves him coming home, ASAP.

I miss you, Adam. I can't wait to see that smiling face again. 

It's no secret

So, I realized it had been months since I have posted. Honestly, I had been changing so much and so quickly it was kind of pointless to post. I can catch up on some things that have gone on since May...since this deployment is almost over..I guess it's time :)

yup, this would probably be the biggest, and most obvious change since this deployment began.

Everyone asks me how I did it and what I do..and folks, it's no secret. Diet and exercise. Yup. That's it. Although, I started out with hypothyroidism so I had to tweak my diet a little more than just a "normal" weight loss diet, because I was already doing most of the "tricks" people do but I had always done them. So, here is what I did..all out here for ya..no secrets here.

Diet:

No sugar, period.

No extra salt, use pepper or garlic.

No preservatives.

Minimal dairy, couple times a week. Not daily.

Switched to almond milk, not soy or cows milk.

No fast food, period.

(at first) no bread, pasta, or rice.

I never drank soda, but still No soda. 

No butter, use olive oil

I ate: Chicken, protein powder/bars, atkins/south beach bars, lettuce, greek yogurt, fish, veggies (any and all), some fruits (not many, too much glucose)

Lots of water and coffee..yes coffee, no sugar of course (use stevia)

Workout: (daily in the beginning)

> Cardio..EVERY DAY for at least 20-30 minutes based on your heart rate, and MUST be dripping sweat in the first 7 minutes - until the very end. 

  - I started out slow and only did what I can BASED ON MY HEART RATE. I pushed myself     harder each time until I worked up to running and cycling (now).

> Weight Training

- ok, weight training IS IMPORTANT!!! FOR EVERYONE!!!! If you are a woman YOU WILL NOT GET BULKY!!! THAT IS BIOLOGICALLY IMPOSSIBLE for a woman to be a "body builder" man looking thing unless you take hormone injections, etc. Weight training SHAPES your body to what you want it. If you want a better butt, do squats...if you want better arms, do curls or dips. End of story. It burns more calories LONGER than cardio and makes you stronger and look a hell of a lot better than cardio alone will. CARDIO ALONE WILL NOT MAKE YOU LOOK TONED! IT ONLY MAKES YOU LOOK LIKE A SMALLER VERSION OF WHAT YOU ALREADY ARE! DO WEIGHT TRAINING! 

anyway, I do different groups every day..if I did lower body one day, I'll do upper the next..and that's how my days go with that. I will lift until I absolutely CANNOT do another rep at the heaviest weight I can lift, curl, etc... I love my arms and my legs and my butt. I lost over 60 lbs though, so my stomach is still catching up. 

My diet still runs off the basis of the original, but since I have lost so much I am more about maintaining than losing. I eat out and order what I want on occasion. I still work out the same though. So far, it's working pretty well. :)

That's all there is to that.

As far as my mental/emotional journey..I can say I have never felt better. I still have my days where I mourn over my son but they go as quickly as they come, because I did the very best I could to come out of that depression. I won't go back. It does no good. 

I have made some great friends since I moved back to NC. As all relationships go though, it takes time to grow :) 

 my new friend, Savanna. I am very grateful for her friendship :)

I don't have any good pictures of my other friends, but I will soon I'm sure. 

not a new friend, but a good one :) Bayli and my god baby Em <3 

that is all for now. I may update this thing more often since it's not so depressing now. 

Oh, husband comes home SO SOON! We are almost in the single digits. I can't wait to have him home. I love that man more than anything <3

Adjusting

I can't tell if I am adjusting to Adam being gone or not. Some days I feel like I can take on anything, and others I just feel so worn down. Some days, I feel completely strange. Like, I am doing this all wrong by being here. I thought maybe being around family would help ease the pain from our loss and the pain of not having Adam by my side for now, but it has left me angry. I keep remembering when things happened before, and who was there for me and who genuinely cared about me, and I just become so angry. It feels as though I am being ignored, neglected, and forgotten. The one person in the world I thought would be there for me during my grief, isn't. I can't help but wonder if that person even cares about me at all, and they have known me since I was born. How does that make sense? Not only this one person, but a few people I can say have really just neglected to be there at all..when they said they would. Those that I wouldn't expect to be there, are though. I guess that makes up for something.

I don't like being here. I feel out of place, in the way, and just wrong. I try to occupy my time the best that I can, but the aching desire to be with my husband and be with the only person who loves me so much overwhelms me most of the time.

People I called "friends" are never there unless they have no other choice. People who I haven't been so close to in the past are stepping up and being a shoulder to cry on. How does this work? What happened? If things work out like I hope, I may leave much sooner than originally planned. I want to be around those who understand. Here, that really doesn't happen.

I love you, Adam. Forever and ever, amen. Come home soon.

Passing time.

I thought my birthday would be a hard day..but surprisingly, it wasn't. The reality of everything that has happened has made me think more logically to suppress the aching I feel from the loss of our son. The doctor has made me optimistic, and that makes things a little bit easier. If the problem is that easy to fix, I hope we never have to go through another loss like we did with our son. Thanks to a good friend, my birthday was actually enjoyable.

Everyone has to have a "birthday" picture right? 

Adam is on a field op somewhere in the world, that will last about 3ish weeks. This means no communication..and I know that a lot of women who are married to someone in the military would consider me lucky to be able to say the longest I have gone without contact with my husband is ten days. This 3 week thing will be a new record for us. I sure do miss that man.

I finished a new care package last night, I made sure his pepperoni sticks were in there :) I think we are going to say it is a Spring theme.

Not being able to talk to that wonderful man of mine, I look through old pictures of him and remember the fun times we always have.. I found one of him and his mom from last year when she came to visit us in NC. He was splashing her in the water :)


To date, I have lost 9 pounds in two weeks. I don't eat nearly enough, but I don't really get hungry so I just listen to my body, and I guess that is ok. Adam has gained 12 pounds this month. I am trying to keep up with him, only losing instead of gaining. :)

We are almost at 20% done with this deployment. I can't wait until I see 25%. I am soooo ready for my husband to be home. Life seems so dull without him.


Come home soon, Adam. I love you forever and ever.

retrospect

This date. Realistically. My son probably would have been born weeks before now, but the fact that this date exists..this date that I have, and forever will..what can I do with this? How can I handle this?

My husband said we did all we could and that's what matters. I guess he is right. He said he wants to try again when he gets home, but I really don't know how ready I will be for that. It's just opening up the opportunity to throw ourselves into the lions den once again. Maybe this doctor can help, maybe going to him will ease my fears and figure out what we can do to make sure it doesn't happen again.

How can I look at the bigger picture with this? What direction should I go to ease this pain. This overwhelming emptiness, anger, confusion..all I seem to want is my husband. November can't come soon enough. My heart is hurting so bad, I need my other half.

I love that man more than I could ever explain.

this is probably what fits best, without diving into depression.

that's the best quality I could find.

Lady Antebellum - one day you will

communication

It really breaks my heart, that after two hours of skype and countless phone calls from my husband this week..he calls me last night around 7 desperate to talk to me because he is so upset and misses me so much. I reassure him I am always waiting, always loving, and always missing him. I wish there was more I could do, than just sending him packages and letters and reassuring him I am waiting. I feel so helpless when he calls and he is so upset.

So here is one of my favorite poems by Emily Dickinson.

If you were coming in the fall, 

I'd brush the summer by 

With half a smile and half a spurn, 

As housewives do a fly.

If I could see you in a year, 

I'd wind the months in balls, 

And put them each in separate drawers, 

Until their time befalls.

If only centuries delayed, 

I'd count them on my hand, 

Subtracting till my fingers dropped 

Into Van Diemens land.

If certain, when this life was out, 

That yours and mine should be, 

I'd toss it yonder like a rind, 

And taste eternity.

But now, all ignorant of the length

Of time's uncertain wing, 

It goads me, like the goblin bee, 

That will not state its sting. 

I love you always, Adam.

That, you will never have to question.

You are the only thing that got me through

the worst time of our lives.

You are my happiness.

I would wait forever.

Somber.

city and colour - comin' home.

it fits until the end.

Well, talking to Adam almost every day this week has helped a lot, but as our sons due date creeps up on me I can't help but wonder if  I will be ok. I took my birthday off of facebook so no one can say anything, and warned my family not to mention it either. I am trying my best to be strong about all this, and I have been doing well until those awful reminders hit me in the face. But, the love my husband and I have for one another gets me though anything..

First official day of work today, hope I don't go crazy. I need to start keeping up with this again.

At least good ole Tennessee has it's perks.

I get to see this any time  I want.

Although, I'd rather see my husband's face.

I love that beautiful man.