How far

Tomorrow marks 2 years of marriage for Adam and myself. Holy cow how many things we have gone through since we got married. I can't believe how far we've come and how we have made it through what most people would've never dreamt of. From losing a son, another miscarriage, two deployments (one short), and Adam losing his father to where we are now. No, things have never been easy, we are not perfectly fine, and we are not all better. But, in comparison to what could have been, we are the very best we can be and most people cannot say that for themselves after enduring less. I love my husband, I am beyond blessed to have such a strong and caring man by my side. I hope this next year brings us a little light instead of all the trials we have had to face. Anyone who reads this, I hope you have us in your prayers, because yea it may be a little selfish, but we would really like to bring some good things to our life. We would love to start a family and not worry about the outcome..we would like to be at peace for a least a little while. We have been strong enough long enough.

Trials in life, new beginnings

So, I am not really sure what brought me to decide I wanted a fur baby..but..I did..in about one hour after that decision I come home with a brand new baby kitty and named her Masey. She picked me, of course.

 

pretty girl.

after her first bath! she did so good :)

 

 

She is 12 weeks old and is 3lbs 5 ounces. She is perfectly healthy and loves to chase her tail and cuddle with mommy and daddy. I love this little girl. 

 

Also, Adam's coping with everything has actually gone well so far. I can't say for sure, but I know he is doing as well as he can be.

 

My grandmother, on the other hand, is not doing so well. Her kidneys were failing last Friday and she was in the hospital until yesterday. She is back at the nursing home and is stable again, but I am not sure how she will be in the next few days, weeks, or what. This is all happening so fast.

 

 

 

To bring a little light back into the post, I will post some pictures Adam and I have taken since he has been back. Yes, even more since the last post. Enjoy.

 

 

 

What is really awesome is Savanna's husband John, and Adam get along SO WELL! It just makes perfect sense since Savanna and I do. Let's just hope good things continue to happen so life isn't so troubling all the time for us anymore.

 

 

I do have to say though. I am very disappointed in a few people recently. To call someone selfish because they are happy their husband is home is a little more selfish than the accusation itself. I won't pretend my husband isn't home to satisfy you. You wouldn't. Plus, to be envious of that fact is kind of sick. My husbands father died. That is why he is home already. To be envious of a relative dying is sick. It still amazes me how "grown women" act more childish than my 14 year old sister and her peers.  It's a really sad world when people cannot even try to empathize or be happy for someone else. Sad.

 

 

No one knows another person's struggles. They may know of things going on, but they don't know everything. Take a moment and think about how you would feel knowing what you know. I bet you rarely do that, don't you?

 

 

I was always told to pray for your enemies, or people who claim others are "selfish" when it seems they are describing themselves.

 

 

 

 

 

Anyway, I normally wouldn't post anything like this. BUT. Adam and I think we are emotionally stable enough now to try to start a family, again. Don't ask questions unless I tell you. Once we begin this process again we will be taking every precaution to try and protect our hearts from hurting like we have. Just know if things happen and things go well everyone will know. And no, this is not an "I'm pregnant" post, because I am 100% not pregnant. 

 

 

 

all for now.



RIP

I know others may be upset to see my husband home when their loved ones have yet to return, but the circumstance in which he was able to come home is not something to envy.


Adam's father, Cliff Patten, lost his battle with an illness last week.
http://www.hamlettdobson.com/_mgxroot/page_10802.php?task=Search&listing=Current


Although I hadn't known Cliff very long, it was heartbreaking to see the boys so upset. I am proud of them for being so strong and taking care of arrangements as they have, though. Cliff is in a better place, free of pain and any suffering.

Also, yesterday was the anniversary of the day we lost our son a year ago. Quite honestly, with everything else going on, the pain wasn't as great as I thought it would be.

I vote November be taken off the calendar completely.

Anyway, let's bring some happier moments to this post..with pictures.

my boys

Christmas picture

my sweet husband

<3 

We are due to be back in NC by December 6. Adam hasn't seen the house yet so that is something to be excited for. I can't wait to see Savanna and Bayli and of course my god baby Em. I hope Adam will be ok after losing his dad, even though it will take time. He has been through enough in the last year. It's time for something good.

Thoughts

I can't sleep. Thinking about the possible outcomes of tomorrows news is making me incredibly anxious. There are many things on my mind, but the possibility of my husband not coming home for a while is what's making my sanity lose its grip. That, and the fact that I am not as dumb as people seem to think I am.

I am pretty intelligent. Not just book smarts, but I am damn good at reading people. I am not oblivious, and I will not make myself a part of some petty high school ...well..bullshit.

I have obviously been through enough in my lifetime - not to mention what I've been through in the last year - that I do not have ONE OUNCE of energy left in me to fight with someone over their own stupidity and ignorance.

Yea, I am different. I am weird. That doesn't make me a bad person. So, if you decide you can't "handle" me...that's your loss. Honestly, I feel sorry for you. I hope one day you grow up and realize life isn't all butterflies and rainbows. Life hurts. It can be painful. It can absolutely SUCK. I think I have dealt with it quite well. If you don't, sorry. You will learn one day, but I won't be around to say I told you so.

Anyway, my prayers go out tonight for my husband and all the others currently in the same situation. I pray that whatever happens is the absolute BEST outcome for everyone. I want him home more than anything, but only God knows what is best. I just selfishly pray that involves him coming home, ASAP.

I miss you, Adam. I can't wait to see that smiling face again. 

It's no secret

So, I realized it had been months since I have posted. Honestly, I had been changing so much and so quickly it was kind of pointless to post. I can catch up on some things that have gone on since May...since this deployment is almost over..I guess it's time :)

yup, this would probably be the biggest, and most obvious change since this deployment began.

Everyone asks me how I did it and what I do..and folks, it's no secret. Diet and exercise. Yup. That's it. Although, I started out with hypothyroidism so I had to tweak my diet a little more than just a "normal" weight loss diet, because I was already doing most of the "tricks" people do but I had always done them. So, here is what I did..all out here for ya..no secrets here.

Diet:

No sugar, period.

No extra salt, use pepper or garlic.

No preservatives.

Minimal dairy, couple times a week. Not daily.

Switched to almond milk, not soy or cows milk.

No fast food, period.

(at first) no bread, pasta, or rice.

I never drank soda, but still No soda. 

No butter, use olive oil

I ate: Chicken, protein powder/bars, atkins/south beach bars, lettuce, greek yogurt, fish, veggies (any and all), some fruits (not many, too much glucose)

Lots of water and coffee..yes coffee, no sugar of course (use stevia)

Workout: (daily in the beginning)

> Cardio..EVERY DAY for at least 20-30 minutes based on your heart rate, and MUST be dripping sweat in the first 7 minutes - until the very end. 

  - I started out slow and only did what I can BASED ON MY HEART RATE. I pushed myself     harder each time until I worked up to running and cycling (now).

> Weight Training

- ok, weight training IS IMPORTANT!!! FOR EVERYONE!!!! If you are a woman YOU WILL NOT GET BULKY!!! THAT IS BIOLOGICALLY IMPOSSIBLE for a woman to be a "body builder" man looking thing unless you take hormone injections, etc. Weight training SHAPES your body to what you want it. If you want a better butt, do squats...if you want better arms, do curls or dips. End of story. It burns more calories LONGER than cardio and makes you stronger and look a hell of a lot better than cardio alone will. CARDIO ALONE WILL NOT MAKE YOU LOOK TONED! IT ONLY MAKES YOU LOOK LIKE A SMALLER VERSION OF WHAT YOU ALREADY ARE! DO WEIGHT TRAINING! 

anyway, I do different groups every day..if I did lower body one day, I'll do upper the next..and that's how my days go with that. I will lift until I absolutely CANNOT do another rep at the heaviest weight I can lift, curl, etc... I love my arms and my legs and my butt. I lost over 60 lbs though, so my stomach is still catching up. 

My diet still runs off the basis of the original, but since I have lost so much I am more about maintaining than losing. I eat out and order what I want on occasion. I still work out the same though. So far, it's working pretty well. :)

That's all there is to that.

As far as my mental/emotional journey..I can say I have never felt better. I still have my days where I mourn over my son but they go as quickly as they come, because I did the very best I could to come out of that depression. I won't go back. It does no good. 

I have made some great friends since I moved back to NC. As all relationships go though, it takes time to grow :) 

 my new friend, Savanna. I am very grateful for her friendship :)

I don't have any good pictures of my other friends, but I will soon I'm sure. 

not a new friend, but a good one :) Bayli and my god baby Em <3 

that is all for now. I may update this thing more often since it's not so depressing now. 

Oh, husband comes home SO SOON! We are almost in the single digits. I can't wait to have him home. I love that man more than anything <3

Adjusting

I can't tell if I am adjusting to Adam being gone or not. Some days I feel like I can take on anything, and others I just feel so worn down. Some days, I feel completely strange. Like, I am doing this all wrong by being here. I thought maybe being around family would help ease the pain from our loss and the pain of not having Adam by my side for now, but it has left me angry. I keep remembering when things happened before, and who was there for me and who genuinely cared about me, and I just become so angry. It feels as though I am being ignored, neglected, and forgotten. The one person in the world I thought would be there for me during my grief, isn't. I can't help but wonder if that person even cares about me at all, and they have known me since I was born. How does that make sense? Not only this one person, but a few people I can say have really just neglected to be there at all..when they said they would. Those that I wouldn't expect to be there, are though. I guess that makes up for something.

I don't like being here. I feel out of place, in the way, and just wrong. I try to occupy my time the best that I can, but the aching desire to be with my husband and be with the only person who loves me so much overwhelms me most of the time.

People I called "friends" are never there unless they have no other choice. People who I haven't been so close to in the past are stepping up and being a shoulder to cry on. How does this work? What happened? If things work out like I hope, I may leave much sooner than originally planned. I want to be around those who understand. Here, that really doesn't happen.

I love you, Adam. Forever and ever, amen. Come home soon.

Passing time.

I thought my birthday would be a hard day..but surprisingly, it wasn't. The reality of everything that has happened has made me think more logically to suppress the aching I feel from the loss of our son. The doctor has made me optimistic, and that makes things a little bit easier. If the problem is that easy to fix, I hope we never have to go through another loss like we did with our son. Thanks to a good friend, my birthday was actually enjoyable.

Everyone has to have a "birthday" picture right? 

Adam is on a field op somewhere in the world, that will last about 3ish weeks. This means no communication..and I know that a lot of women who are married to someone in the military would consider me lucky to be able to say the longest I have gone without contact with my husband is ten days. This 3 week thing will be a new record for us. I sure do miss that man.

I finished a new care package last night, I made sure his pepperoni sticks were in there :) I think we are going to say it is a Spring theme.

Not being able to talk to that wonderful man of mine, I look through old pictures of him and remember the fun times we always have.. I found one of him and his mom from last year when she came to visit us in NC. He was splashing her in the water :)


To date, I have lost 9 pounds in two weeks. I don't eat nearly enough, but I don't really get hungry so I just listen to my body, and I guess that is ok. Adam has gained 12 pounds this month. I am trying to keep up with him, only losing instead of gaining. :)

We are almost at 20% done with this deployment. I can't wait until I see 25%. I am soooo ready for my husband to be home. Life seems so dull without him.


Come home soon, Adam. I love you forever and ever.