Adjusting

I can't tell if I am adjusting to Adam being gone or not. Some days I feel like I can take on anything, and others I just feel so worn down. Some days, I feel completely strange. Like, I am doing this all wrong by being here. I thought maybe being around family would help ease the pain from our loss and the pain of not having Adam by my side for now, but it has left me angry. I keep remembering when things happened before, and who was there for me and who genuinely cared about me, and I just become so angry. It feels as though I am being ignored, neglected, and forgotten. The one person in the world I thought would be there for me during my grief, isn't. I can't help but wonder if that person even cares about me at all, and they have known me since I was born. How does that make sense? Not only this one person, but a few people I can say have really just neglected to be there at all..when they said they would. Those that I wouldn't expect to be there, are though. I guess that makes up for something.

I don't like being here. I feel out of place, in the way, and just wrong. I try to occupy my time the best that I can, but the aching desire to be with my husband and be with the only person who loves me so much overwhelms me most of the time.

People I called "friends" are never there unless they have no other choice. People who I haven't been so close to in the past are stepping up and being a shoulder to cry on. How does this work? What happened? If things work out like I hope, I may leave much sooner than originally planned. I want to be around those who understand. Here, that really doesn't happen.

I love you, Adam. Forever and ever, amen. Come home soon.

Passing time.

I thought my birthday would be a hard day..but surprisingly, it wasn't. The reality of everything that has happened has made me think more logically to suppress the aching I feel from the loss of our son. The doctor has made me optimistic, and that makes things a little bit easier. If the problem is that easy to fix, I hope we never have to go through another loss like we did with our son. Thanks to a good friend, my birthday was actually enjoyable.

Everyone has to have a "birthday" picture right? 

Adam is on a field op somewhere in the world, that will last about 3ish weeks. This means no communication..and I know that a lot of women who are married to someone in the military would consider me lucky to be able to say the longest I have gone without contact with my husband is ten days. This 3 week thing will be a new record for us. I sure do miss that man.

I finished a new care package last night, I made sure his pepperoni sticks were in there :) I think we are going to say it is a Spring theme.

Not being able to talk to that wonderful man of mine, I look through old pictures of him and remember the fun times we always have.. I found one of him and his mom from last year when she came to visit us in NC. He was splashing her in the water :)


To date, I have lost 9 pounds in two weeks. I don't eat nearly enough, but I don't really get hungry so I just listen to my body, and I guess that is ok. Adam has gained 12 pounds this month. I am trying to keep up with him, only losing instead of gaining. :)

We are almost at 20% done with this deployment. I can't wait until I see 25%. I am soooo ready for my husband to be home. Life seems so dull without him.


Come home soon, Adam. I love you forever and ever.

retrospect

This date. Realistically. My son probably would have been born weeks before now, but the fact that this date exists..this date that I have, and forever will..what can I do with this? How can I handle this?

My husband said we did all we could and that's what matters. I guess he is right. He said he wants to try again when he gets home, but I really don't know how ready I will be for that. It's just opening up the opportunity to throw ourselves into the lions den once again. Maybe this doctor can help, maybe going to him will ease my fears and figure out what we can do to make sure it doesn't happen again.

How can I look at the bigger picture with this? What direction should I go to ease this pain. This overwhelming emptiness, anger, confusion..all I seem to want is my husband. November can't come soon enough. My heart is hurting so bad, I need my other half.

I love that man more than I could ever explain.

this is probably what fits best, without diving into depression.

that's the best quality I could find.

Lady Antebellum - one day you will

communication

It really breaks my heart, that after two hours of skype and countless phone calls from my husband this week..he calls me last night around 7 desperate to talk to me because he is so upset and misses me so much. I reassure him I am always waiting, always loving, and always missing him. I wish there was more I could do, than just sending him packages and letters and reassuring him I am waiting. I feel so helpless when he calls and he is so upset.

So here is one of my favorite poems by Emily Dickinson.

If you were coming in the fall, 

I'd brush the summer by 

With half a smile and half a spurn, 

As housewives do a fly.

If I could see you in a year, 

I'd wind the months in balls, 

And put them each in separate drawers, 

Until their time befalls.

If only centuries delayed, 

I'd count them on my hand, 

Subtracting till my fingers dropped 

Into Van Diemens land.

If certain, when this life was out, 

That yours and mine should be, 

I'd toss it yonder like a rind, 

And taste eternity.

But now, all ignorant of the length

Of time's uncertain wing, 

It goads me, like the goblin bee, 

That will not state its sting. 

I love you always, Adam.

That, you will never have to question.

You are the only thing that got me through

the worst time of our lives.

You are my happiness.

I would wait forever.

Somber.

city and colour - comin' home.

it fits until the end.

Well, talking to Adam almost every day this week has helped a lot, but as our sons due date creeps up on me I can't help but wonder if  I will be ok. I took my birthday off of facebook so no one can say anything, and warned my family not to mention it either. I am trying my best to be strong about all this, and I have been doing well until those awful reminders hit me in the face. But, the love my husband and I have for one another gets me though anything..

First official day of work today, hope I don't go crazy. I need to start keeping up with this again.

At least good ole Tennessee has it's perks.

I get to see this any time  I want.

Although, I'd rather see my husband's face.

I love that beautiful man.

distance, time.

I've said it before, I wish there was a pause, fast forward, and rewind button in life. It sucks that you have to use the same monotonous measurement of time for every aspect of life. I know when Adam goes, the first while will be very difficult. I just pray it goes by quickly, but it always goes by so slow, especially in the beginning. He keeps saying he is scared he will lose me while he is gone, that some guy will sweep me off my feet quicker than he did. That will never happen, even if a guy tried to do so, I wouldn't let him. My heart belongs to Adam. Once you make a commitment to someone in marriage, your choices determine where that relationship goes. I choose to continually love Adam for the rest of my life. I choose to be faithful. I choose to wait for him as long as need be. I know he does the same for me.

I just hate the time he is away. I feel like it is a total waste. Life without him doesn't feel like a life at all. But, I will be ok, because I know he would want me to be.  He shouldn't have to worry about me.

I wish there was some way I could be with him while he is gone...those nights where I feel everything is going wrong and I just wish I could pick up the phone to call him. Those nights sucks. Also the nights you can't sleep and you look beside you and realize no one is there, and no one will be there for some time. It just sucks.

I hope and pray this is the last time we have to be apart for so long.

I pray I am not a total mess. I pray he is ok too.

I love my husband with everything I am.

Adam

Every time I start thinking about how things have affected my husband, my heart breaks all over again. He never brings up Raiden anymore. He never brings up anything, until I see him start to cry. I don't understand why bad things have to happen so much. It's not fair that being with me, my husband had to endure this. I don't know how I am going to be ok without him. I don't know how he will be ok without me. He doesn't want to leave. He says it all the time. I would do anything if I could to be with him when he is so far away. It almost feels like  he has already left. He is so distant. He is so broken. I love him so much, I hate to see him like this.