Roller Coaster Ride

The title of this post is fitting, because life is like a roller coaster ride. Especially when you're pregnant and stuck in your house in a town you don't consider home. I am trying to make the best of it, I really am. I swear it's only been so sucky since I've been pregant. I have been looking for a job for weeks now, and so far I have had no luck. My car is acting up, surprise surprise..so a job would be ideal for me..in my mind. I prayed before I was pregnant that if I should have a job that it be in God's hands, because I wasn't certain it would be healthy for me if I were to end up pregnant again. Well, here I am and still no job. So, if I am not supposed to have a job and things are acting up I need to accept that it is God's plan and pray for guidance, acceptance, and peace instead of all these changes I seem to want to make in my life. Prayer warriors, I am calling you! Anyone who knows me well knows my past and understands my need for some prayer.

On another note. Mom and Bailee came to visit me this weekend. We went to Myrtle Beach and it was awesome and brought back so many childhood memories of vacations in MB :)

 

 

 

I really hope life takes a turn for me. A good turn. Adam still plans to get out in the next year if not sooner, and we know in our hearts this is what is right for our family, even if we do have to struggle at first.

 

All we can do is pray. 



Conflict

Well, the title of this post is based on the conflict of my hormones and my emotions, decisions, state of mind..etc. People who are close to me know that I have had issues with depression in the past, and have successfully learned and prayed a way to manage and really get rid of the problem. For those who don't keep up with me anymore, this is my 3rd pregnancy. As you can tell, I don't have any little ones running around..so this pregnancy is super scary and intimidating to me. With everything that has happened to Adam and I in the last year and a half, we really really really hope and pray that this is finally our answered prayer. There has been too much loss and death in our lives since we have been married..and I don't know how much more we can tolerate at the moment. We have done so well considering...I would just like to see a genuine smile on my husbands face that I have missed for a long time now.

Anyway, the conflict. Since I have become pregnant I have been 'unhappy'. It's hard to tell if it's just hormones or if it's really me. I know during the whole 8 months Adam was gone I never allowed myself to hurt or be sad or anything...we had just lost a son and I was without my husband so I refused to make it worse for myself so I lost 60 lbs and worked full time at a daycare. Now, I am having these feelings of  'I am not where I'm meant to be', 'I am so unhappy', 'I want to go home', etc etc..I just can't tell if it's hormones and it really bothers me. I have issues with this so this may be why it's such a scary realization that these emotions are coming back. I don't want to deal with them again.

Keep a good attitude no matter what is going on in your life. (Col. 3:12)

So, do I keep praying for a transformation? Or is it just hormones and I need to deal with it? It's not my first experience with pregnancy issues..my first pregnancy I was SUPER depressed...so I am afraid maybe the hormones trigger something I don't want to be triggered.

Ugh. frustration.

Feelings

People suggest I write more, or blog more..or just something to get my 'feelings' out. Hormones. Heartache. Battles. Mixed in one..what a trainwreck, right?

I guess in my head I am convinced I will lose this baby too. Even though everything looks good so far and every pregnancy symptom I would expect to have is there....I still am convinced my body is not 'good enough' to allow a baby to grow inside me and manage to stay alive. I FEEL like everything will be ok, but my head...and a little bit of my heart is skeptical. I am fighting demons every day to battle these bad thoughts.

I feel a little abandoned. By quite a number of people at the moment..
It seems when you truly need someone to be there, they step out. Shocking..it shouldn't be..but it is every time.
The one person you SHOULD be able to turn to tells you to suck it up and get over it. Even if your safety is in jeopardy.
Others merely just ignore you, or ignore what you are going through. Disappear, basically. Again, shouldn't be shocking.
The person you consider the one human being you can count on and trust, breaks that trust. I have learned this over and over again. Why am I surprised?

So here I am daily trying to figure out what I am doing with my life now, and I just feel abandoned. I turn to Jesus, because He is really the only person that knows how my heart is breaking. I am stronger than this and I know this, always have.

Like I said before...hormones. I don't know if this has a lot to do with hormones or not..but it just seems more than coincidence the rest of these things are happening as well. I've been worse. Many times, but it's been a while since I have felt down like this.

I guess...in short...I am in reality OK. Some things have happened that I didn't foresee and I am dealing with them..with only God. I guess that sums it up.

I sang today..and this is my favorite song of all time...always has been always will..it's short..and embarrassing...but it's what I felt like doing.

Changes in the Atmosphere

Well, since most people who read this are friends with me on facebook anyway, I guess saying "I'M PREGNANT!!!" is a little old now. Anyway, I went to the doctor today and it was my 3rd ultrasound and the first time it actually looked a little bit like a baby. I am 8 weeks and 3 days today and so far so good...I have to remind myself to ask my doctor to check my thyroid levels next time though, just to be sure.

I have to say though, I am not nearly as big as I was with my first pregnancies but I feel HUGE already. I already can't button my pants and ugh. I should just be thankful that I am pregnant and so far so good..I am just going to hang in there until I am 18 weeks and 5 days, because Lord knows I am going to be AT THE DOCTOR that day to be sure everything is ok. I will never forget my little Raiden, and how traumatizing it was to give birth to a dead son. I just PRAY this one will be ok, even though pregnancy symptoms are KILLING me.

Adam and I found a new church that we really really love, thank God. I have missed having a church that I really enjoy and feel close to Christ as well as the congregation. I have been so emotional and depressed with all these hormones lately, maybe a little (or a lot) of Jesus is just what I need to make it here. Of course :)

Adam has also been looking into getting out of the Marine Corps within the next year or so. I know we always talked about him retiring in the military, but with everything that's happened and is happening it almost seems absurd to NOT be at home in east Tennessee. We want to plant our roots in a place we can call home, not a place we are forced to live. I have missed it so much I visited by myself last week to see my family. I can't wait to be home. I just PRAY it will all work out for us and our growing family.

Anyway, that's all the update I have for now. I am sure I am missing a lot but I haven't been posting lately so I will try to fix that :)

How far

Tomorrow marks 2 years of marriage for Adam and myself. Holy cow how many things we have gone through since we got married. I can't believe how far we've come and how we have made it through what most people would've never dreamt of. From losing a son, another miscarriage, two deployments (one short), and Adam losing his father to where we are now. No, things have never been easy, we are not perfectly fine, and we are not all better. But, in comparison to what could have been, we are the very best we can be and most people cannot say that for themselves after enduring less. I love my husband, I am beyond blessed to have such a strong and caring man by my side. I hope this next year brings us a little light instead of all the trials we have had to face. Anyone who reads this, I hope you have us in your prayers, because yea it may be a little selfish, but we would really like to bring some good things to our life. We would love to start a family and not worry about the outcome..we would like to be at peace for a least a little while. We have been strong enough long enough.

Trials in life, new beginnings

So, I am not really sure what brought me to decide I wanted a fur baby..but..I did..in about one hour after that decision I come home with a brand new baby kitty and named her Masey. She picked me, of course.

 

pretty girl.

after her first bath! she did so good :)

 

 

She is 12 weeks old and is 3lbs 5 ounces. She is perfectly healthy and loves to chase her tail and cuddle with mommy and daddy. I love this little girl. 

 

Also, Adam's coping with everything has actually gone well so far. I can't say for sure, but I know he is doing as well as he can be.

 

My grandmother, on the other hand, is not doing so well. Her kidneys were failing last Friday and she was in the hospital until yesterday. She is back at the nursing home and is stable again, but I am not sure how she will be in the next few days, weeks, or what. This is all happening so fast.

 

 

 

To bring a little light back into the post, I will post some pictures Adam and I have taken since he has been back. Yes, even more since the last post. Enjoy.

 

 

 

What is really awesome is Savanna's husband John, and Adam get along SO WELL! It just makes perfect sense since Savanna and I do. Let's just hope good things continue to happen so life isn't so troubling all the time for us anymore.

 

 

I do have to say though. I am very disappointed in a few people recently. To call someone selfish because they are happy their husband is home is a little more selfish than the accusation itself. I won't pretend my husband isn't home to satisfy you. You wouldn't. Plus, to be envious of that fact is kind of sick. My husbands father died. That is why he is home already. To be envious of a relative dying is sick. It still amazes me how "grown women" act more childish than my 14 year old sister and her peers.  It's a really sad world when people cannot even try to empathize or be happy for someone else. Sad.

 

 

No one knows another person's struggles. They may know of things going on, but they don't know everything. Take a moment and think about how you would feel knowing what you know. I bet you rarely do that, don't you?

 

 

I was always told to pray for your enemies, or people who claim others are "selfish" when it seems they are describing themselves.

 

 

 

 

 

Anyway, I normally wouldn't post anything like this. BUT. Adam and I think we are emotionally stable enough now to try to start a family, again. Don't ask questions unless I tell you. Once we begin this process again we will be taking every precaution to try and protect our hearts from hurting like we have. Just know if things happen and things go well everyone will know. And no, this is not an "I'm pregnant" post, because I am 100% not pregnant. 

 

 

 

all for now.



RIP

I know others may be upset to see my husband home when their loved ones have yet to return, but the circumstance in which he was able to come home is not something to envy.


Adam's father, Cliff Patten, lost his battle with an illness last week.
http://www.hamlettdobson.com/_mgxroot/page_10802.php?task=Search&listing=Current


Although I hadn't known Cliff very long, it was heartbreaking to see the boys so upset. I am proud of them for being so strong and taking care of arrangements as they have, though. Cliff is in a better place, free of pain and any suffering.

Also, yesterday was the anniversary of the day we lost our son a year ago. Quite honestly, with everything else going on, the pain wasn't as great as I thought it would be.

I vote November be taken off the calendar completely.

Anyway, let's bring some happier moments to this post..with pictures.

my boys

Christmas picture

my sweet husband

<3 

We are due to be back in NC by December 6. Adam hasn't seen the house yet so that is something to be excited for. I can't wait to see Savanna and Bayli and of course my god baby Em. I hope Adam will be ok after losing his dad, even though it will take time. He has been through enough in the last year. It's time for something good.