Habakkuk 1:5

"..For I am going to do something in your days that you would not believe, even if you were told." Habakkuk 1:5, NIV.


I have been doing this new thing when I read the Bible, where I will start reading where my heart is drawn to be reading. Some days it's the same book, some days it's a completely random book and chapter. This is what I found the other day using that 'technique'. I can say there have been many, many things in my life that have happened that I never would have believed if someone had told me it was going to happen to me. For instance, finding my husband whom I went to middle AND high school with and marrying him, moving away, and especially him being in the military. The song by Bruno Mars comes to mind when I think about how things happened with Adam, "All I went through led me to you, so I'd do it all over again for you."
Another thing that significantly changed me that occured is the loss of our son in 2011. I can't say I ever saw it coming, I mean..most people never think they are going to lose a child until it happens. It changes every part of you in ways you didn't think change was a possibility. At first, yes, I was a wreck. I still have my moments where I break down and resent everything God has ever done for me, but looking at who I was before and who I am now, I can see why it happeneed...even if it seems dark or morbid.

Anyway, back to the verse. I have been feeling down every once in a while to the point where I am convinced I need a change in my life, a purpose, or to move back home...or actually all three. I found this verse on one of those days I was feeling particularly low and it really really really was exactly what I needed to see. I am anxious to start my job, but I am trying my best to be patient and allow God to do his work in his time. Also, let's just assume all my bad feelings are just pregnancy related ;)

Dad came to visit this weekend and we did a lot of exploring. We went to Myrtle beach just so I could eat at a certain seafood restaurant, and we went to Fort Macon, and discovered one of my new favorite little restaurants in Atlantic beach. He left this morning and it's left a hole in my heart that makes me want to be home more than ever. I do have to admit, time is flying and I pray it continues to do so. I mean, my birthday is this weekend. This week it will be May...in my head I am still stuck in December and can even remember last year I was preparing to start working at the YWCA in Bristol. It does NOT feel like it's been a year since that time.

Anyway, to my friends back home that read this...I miss you all more than you could ever imagine. Talking to you every day or every other day helps me through this paranoia phase in my pregnancy and makes me feel a little closer to home. To those who have befriended me here, thank you. I know most people don't know my past or why I am the way I am (the ones who haven't known me long anyway) and it just means a lot to have someone there to talk to or just be around when I feel so isolated from MY world back home. Things have been tough, and to those who have been there I am very very grateful.

Anyway, I am done being sappy. Continue praying folks <3

What's the point?

Basically, what's the point of this blog for me? It's not just for me to use as a diary or whatever but I have always had this feeling of guilt throughout my life to keep my life an open book for anyone who knows me. It's kind of like a "hey, I know I am weird but here's what I go through and this may explain myself a little better. I am a really cool person, just get to know me a little deeper and you'll get that I have a HUGE heart too," ...kinda. A lot of times it backfires and people are just too overwhelmed by my large personality, but I can't change who I am or my conviction to let people know who I am. Take it or leave it, I don't accept negativity I don't need.

Anyway.

So since the last post I obviously have gone about my life doing schoolwork, being pregnant, trying to not gain a ton of weight, hanging out with friends and husband, humoring my crazy kitty, etc etc...but I got a job finally. My boss knows I am pregant and so far she is the only one there that will know for a while. It's been a pain trying to get everything done to start, but it's getting there and working out.

A little on the deep/negative side. I warn you, it's from my angry/sad/scared/jealous side of me.
So as I get closer to my 15th week of pregnancy..I become more and more convinced that my baby is dead or will be dead. Even though I can already feel this little booger moving and I just KNOW when my baby is gone from experience in the past...It really makes me furious to see all these happy pregnant women and how easy it is for them to be excited and happy about their pregnancies. I keep thinking, "why is it so easy for everyone else and why do my babies have to die? why did I have to give birth to a dead son at almost 19 weeks with no explanation yet all these girls with their first pregnancies don't even think twice about losing a baby" and if anyone who is a first timer tells me they worry they're gonnna miscarry, kiss my butt. You don't know what worrying if a baby is going to die is really like til you have experienced the death of your own. I remember the 'before' I lost him, it's nothing compared to now. I am still angry I lost Raiden. I find myself angrier now because now I am constantly worried about losing this one. I am convinced in my crazy brain that this one will die, even though there is no reason it should. It makes me mad that I was robbed of my innocence with this and that I can never be calm and just ENJOY a baby growing inside me. No matter how much I explain it..unless you've been through it you won't get it. And even the girls that read this that are pregnant will never fully appreciate this post or how painful losing a child really is. No matter how much my insight may open their eyes. It is just THAT painful.

I find that I can look to music from a few years ago I used to enjoy to make me feel better. It just helps me know that I am not the only person in the world that deals with these emotions, even if it's completely unrelated.

We all flirt with the tiniest notion

of self-conclusion in one simplified motion.

You see the trick is that you're never supposed to act on it,

No matter how unbearable this misery gets.

 

 

 





Roller Coaster Ride

The title of this post is fitting, because life is like a roller coaster ride. Especially when you're pregnant and stuck in your house in a town you don't consider home. I am trying to make the best of it, I really am. I swear it's only been so sucky since I've been pregant. I have been looking for a job for weeks now, and so far I have had no luck. My car is acting up, surprise surprise..so a job would be ideal for me..in my mind. I prayed before I was pregnant that if I should have a job that it be in God's hands, because I wasn't certain it would be healthy for me if I were to end up pregnant again. Well, here I am and still no job. So, if I am not supposed to have a job and things are acting up I need to accept that it is God's plan and pray for guidance, acceptance, and peace instead of all these changes I seem to want to make in my life. Prayer warriors, I am calling you! Anyone who knows me well knows my past and understands my need for some prayer.

On another note. Mom and Bailee came to visit me this weekend. We went to Myrtle Beach and it was awesome and brought back so many childhood memories of vacations in MB :)

 

 

 

I really hope life takes a turn for me. A good turn. Adam still plans to get out in the next year if not sooner, and we know in our hearts this is what is right for our family, even if we do have to struggle at first.

 

All we can do is pray.