Well, the title of this post is based on the conflict of my hormones and my emotions, decisions, state of mind..etc. People who are close to me know that I have had issues with depression in the past, and have successfully learned and prayed a way to manage and really get rid of the problem. For those who don't keep up with me anymore, this is my 3rd pregnancy. As you can tell, I don't have any little ones running around..so this pregnancy is super scary and intimidating to me. With everything that has happened to Adam and I in the last year and a half, we really really really hope and pray that this is finally our answered prayer. There has been too much loss and death in our lives since we have been married..and I don't know how much more we can tolerate at the moment. We have done so well considering...I would just like to see a genuine smile on my husbands face that I have missed for a long time now.
Anyway, the conflict. Since I have become pregnant I have been 'unhappy'. It's hard to tell if it's just hormones or if it's really me. I know during the whole 8 months Adam was gone I never allowed myself to hurt or be sad or anything...we had just lost a son and I was without my husband so I refused to make it worse for myself so I lost 60 lbs and worked full time at a daycare. Now, I am having these feelings of 'I am not where I'm meant to be', 'I am so unhappy', 'I want to go home', etc etc..I just can't tell if it's hormones and it really bothers me. I have issues with this so this may be why it's such a scary realization that these emotions are coming back. I don't want to deal with them again.
Keep a good attitude no matter what is going on in your life. (Col. 3:12)
So, do I keep praying for a transformation? Or is it just hormones and I need to deal with it? It's not my first experience with pregnancy issues..my first pregnancy I was SUPER depressed...so I am afraid maybe the hormones trigger something I don't want to be triggered.
Ugh. frustration.
Monday, March 18, 2013
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
Feelings
People suggest I write more, or blog more..or just something to get my 'feelings' out. Hormones. Heartache. Battles. Mixed in one..what a trainwreck, right?
I guess in my head I am convinced I will lose this baby too. Even though everything looks good so far and every pregnancy symptom I would expect to have is there....I still am convinced my body is not 'good enough' to allow a baby to grow inside me and manage to stay alive. I FEEL like everything will be ok, but my head...and a little bit of my heart is skeptical. I am fighting demons every day to battle these bad thoughts.
I feel a little abandoned. By quite a number of people at the moment..
It seems when you truly need someone to be there, they step out. Shocking..it shouldn't be..but it is every time.
The one person you SHOULD be able to turn to tells you to suck it up and get over it. Even if your safety is in jeopardy.
Others merely just ignore you, or ignore what you are going through. Disappear, basically. Again, shouldn't be shocking.
The person you consider the one human being you can count on and trust, breaks that trust. I have learned this over and over again. Why am I surprised?
So here I am daily trying to figure out what I am doing with my life now, and I just feel abandoned. I turn to Jesus, because He is really the only person that knows how my heart is breaking. I am stronger than this and I know this, always have.
Like I said before...hormones. I don't know if this has a lot to do with hormones or not..but it just seems more than coincidence the rest of these things are happening as well. I've been worse. Many times, but it's been a while since I have felt down like this.
I guess...in short...I am in reality OK. Some things have happened that I didn't foresee and I am dealing with them..with only God. I guess that sums it up.
I sang today..and this is my favorite song of all time...always has been always will..it's short..and embarrassing...but it's what I felt like doing.
I guess in my head I am convinced I will lose this baby too. Even though everything looks good so far and every pregnancy symptom I would expect to have is there....I still am convinced my body is not 'good enough' to allow a baby to grow inside me and manage to stay alive. I FEEL like everything will be ok, but my head...and a little bit of my heart is skeptical. I am fighting demons every day to battle these bad thoughts.
I feel a little abandoned. By quite a number of people at the moment..
It seems when you truly need someone to be there, they step out. Shocking..it shouldn't be..but it is every time.
The one person you SHOULD be able to turn to tells you to suck it up and get over it. Even if your safety is in jeopardy.
Others merely just ignore you, or ignore what you are going through. Disappear, basically. Again, shouldn't be shocking.
The person you consider the one human being you can count on and trust, breaks that trust. I have learned this over and over again. Why am I surprised?
So here I am daily trying to figure out what I am doing with my life now, and I just feel abandoned. I turn to Jesus, because He is really the only person that knows how my heart is breaking. I am stronger than this and I know this, always have.
Like I said before...hormones. I don't know if this has a lot to do with hormones or not..but it just seems more than coincidence the rest of these things are happening as well. I've been worse. Many times, but it's been a while since I have felt down like this.
I guess...in short...I am in reality OK. Some things have happened that I didn't foresee and I am dealing with them..with only God. I guess that sums it up.
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
Changes in the Atmosphere
Well, since most people who read this are friends with me on facebook anyway, I guess saying "I'M PREGNANT!!!" is a little old now. Anyway, I went to the doctor today and it was my 3rd ultrasound and the first time it actually looked a little bit like a baby. I am 8 weeks and 3 days today and so far so good...I have to remind myself to ask my doctor to check my thyroid levels next time though, just to be sure.
I have to say though, I am not nearly as big as I was with my first pregnancies but I feel HUGE already. I already can't button my pants and ugh. I should just be thankful that I am pregnant and so far so good..I am just going to hang in there until I am 18 weeks and 5 days, because Lord knows I am going to be AT THE DOCTOR that day to be sure everything is ok. I will never forget my little Raiden, and how traumatizing it was to give birth to a dead son. I just PRAY this one will be ok, even though pregnancy symptoms are KILLING me.
Adam and I found a new church that we really really love, thank God. I have missed having a church that I really enjoy and feel close to Christ as well as the congregation. I have been so emotional and depressed with all these hormones lately, maybe a little (or a lot) of Jesus is just what I need to make it here. Of course :)
Adam has also been looking into getting out of the Marine Corps within the next year or so. I know we always talked about him retiring in the military, but with everything that's happened and is happening it almost seems absurd to NOT be at home in east Tennessee. We want to plant our roots in a place we can call home, not a place we are forced to live. I have missed it so much I visited by myself last week to see my family. I can't wait to be home. I just PRAY it will all work out for us and our growing family.
Anyway, that's all the update I have for now. I am sure I am missing a lot but I haven't been posting lately so I will try to fix that :)
I have to say though, I am not nearly as big as I was with my first pregnancies but I feel HUGE already. I already can't button my pants and ugh. I should just be thankful that I am pregnant and so far so good..I am just going to hang in there until I am 18 weeks and 5 days, because Lord knows I am going to be AT THE DOCTOR that day to be sure everything is ok. I will never forget my little Raiden, and how traumatizing it was to give birth to a dead son. I just PRAY this one will be ok, even though pregnancy symptoms are KILLING me.
Adam and I found a new church that we really really love, thank God. I have missed having a church that I really enjoy and feel close to Christ as well as the congregation. I have been so emotional and depressed with all these hormones lately, maybe a little (or a lot) of Jesus is just what I need to make it here. Of course :)
Adam has also been looking into getting out of the Marine Corps within the next year or so. I know we always talked about him retiring in the military, but with everything that's happened and is happening it almost seems absurd to NOT be at home in east Tennessee. We want to plant our roots in a place we can call home, not a place we are forced to live. I have missed it so much I visited by myself last week to see my family. I can't wait to be home. I just PRAY it will all work out for us and our growing family.
Anyway, that's all the update I have for now. I am sure I am missing a lot but I haven't been posting lately so I will try to fix that :)
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