God

For the first time in my life, I told God I hate him. I guess I am not meant to have children. Life..fuck you.

Ugh, just ugh

Counseling starts on Monday, I hope Adam actually opens up and talks about all this.
I am torn, so terribly torn on what to do, or where to go. To make this easier, I have made a schedule for myself:
Wake up
Take meds
Work out (even if for 5 minutes)
Eat breakfast
Take vitamins
Shower, etc.
Online school until I want to drive my pen into my eyeball
(various breaks)
Cook dinner/housework
...and by the time all that is done Adam is usually home.

It doesn't really take any pain away, or mask it, but it makes me kinda busy. I don't go anywhere. I just don't feel like being with people that much. I don't want to worry about everything else, on top of what I am already dealing with. I am taking it one day at a time, because thinking into the future is too stressful. I can't think of a possible, most likely deployment. I can't think of what next month, or the next will be like. I can't think of anything but the present, and possibly the next few hours. I don't like this autopilot kind of state. I don't like it at all, but it's all I can do to keep from breaking down. I don't understand how women can just be "ok" after this kind of thing. According to my doctor, most women are a lot worse than I am. But, I have yet to see that myself. So, I feel like the only one who hurts this much after my situation. Others have had, what I consider, more difficult situations, and I understand their pain, but those who have gone through almost identical situations don't seem to be as distraught as I am.

I feel like I want to go home, but I don't know what that would accomplish...
Maybe once school is done I will know what the best option would be.
I don't know.
I don't really know anything, except this fucking sucks. Sorry for the language but that adjective seems to fit best, it really fucking sucks. Trying to be positive, and I am thankful I have my husband and I am not alone through this. I am thankful for friends although most of them are far away. I am thankful to be able to go on, and hopefully live a beautiful life.

Son,
I miss you. I am glad I had you with me while I did. I hope you are happy and living it up where you are. I hope that you love me as much as I love you, and I hope you know that I love you. I will never forget you, no matter how many children I end up having (if any). YOU are my son. No matter where you are. I love you forever.

Progress, or not

We finally got counseling set up, but we are definitely not ok. There have been many arguments just because we don't understand each other when we are hurting so greatly. He thinks I am mad when I am not, I think he feels nothing when that's not the case. This is just not fun. How can what happened be part of some perfect plan when it hurts so many people? This is not ok. I don't know where to go from here, everything seems wrong. It seems so wrong going on without our son. It is so wrong. I want to say I have gotten better, but the truth is I haven't. I have just learned how not to cry, maybe because I have ran out of tears..

I will wander until the end of time
Torn away from you

I pulled away to face the pain
I close my eyes and drift away
Over the fear
That I will never find a way
to heal my soul
And I will wander until the end of time
Torn away from you

My heart is broken
Sweet sleep, my dark angel
Deliver us from sorrow's hold
Over my heart

HALF ALIVE WITHOUT YOU,

..hardly alive at all.