retrospect

This date. Realistically. My son probably would have been born weeks before now, but the fact that this date exists..this date that I have, and forever will..what can I do with this? How can I handle this?

My husband said we did all we could and that's what matters. I guess he is right. He said he wants to try again when he gets home, but I really don't know how ready I will be for that. It's just opening up the opportunity to throw ourselves into the lions den once again. Maybe this doctor can help, maybe going to him will ease my fears and figure out what we can do to make sure it doesn't happen again.

How can I look at the bigger picture with this? What direction should I go to ease this pain. This overwhelming emptiness, anger, confusion..all I seem to want is my husband. November can't come soon enough. My heart is hurting so bad, I need my other half.

I love that man more than I could ever explain.

this is probably what fits best, without diving into depression.

that's the best quality I could find.

Lady Antebellum - one day you will

communication

It really breaks my heart, that after two hours of skype and countless phone calls from my husband this week..he calls me last night around 7 desperate to talk to me because he is so upset and misses me so much. I reassure him I am always waiting, always loving, and always missing him. I wish there was more I could do, than just sending him packages and letters and reassuring him I am waiting. I feel so helpless when he calls and he is so upset.

So here is one of my favorite poems by Emily Dickinson.

If you were coming in the fall, 

I'd brush the summer by 

With half a smile and half a spurn, 

As housewives do a fly.

If I could see you in a year, 

I'd wind the months in balls, 

And put them each in separate drawers, 

Until their time befalls.

If only centuries delayed, 

I'd count them on my hand, 

Subtracting till my fingers dropped 

Into Van Diemens land.

If certain, when this life was out, 

That yours and mine should be, 

I'd toss it yonder like a rind, 

And taste eternity.

But now, all ignorant of the length

Of time's uncertain wing, 

It goads me, like the goblin bee, 

That will not state its sting. 

I love you always, Adam.

That, you will never have to question.

You are the only thing that got me through

the worst time of our lives.

You are my happiness.

I would wait forever.

Somber.

city and colour - comin' home.

it fits until the end.

Well, talking to Adam almost every day this week has helped a lot, but as our sons due date creeps up on me I can't help but wonder if  I will be ok. I took my birthday off of facebook so no one can say anything, and warned my family not to mention it either. I am trying my best to be strong about all this, and I have been doing well until those awful reminders hit me in the face. But, the love my husband and I have for one another gets me though anything..

First official day of work today, hope I don't go crazy. I need to start keeping up with this again.

At least good ole Tennessee has it's perks.

I get to see this any time  I want.

Although, I'd rather see my husband's face.

I love that beautiful man.