Well,
I am not sure what provoked me to write today after so many months of avoiding this blog altogether. I guess I wanted to form something coherent for myself since my thoughts seem to be all over the place. Anyway, people keep telling me I am the strongest person they know. I have heard this many times, along with being described as resilient and even superwoman. Yes, I have endured much over the years, and especially recently. I just want to make it clear that I am not the superwoman some seem to think I am. I have an amazing God who never fails and never leaves me. He has given me immeasurable strength and hope for my life. I also have Adalyn who motivates me to go on each day braver than the day before.
I also want to clarify for those who are small minded and judgmental. People do not go through bad things because they are bad people. Some people have chosen to be used by God and live life based on His plan for them. I am one of those people. I asked years ago for God to use me, and he is. Apparently, there is a greater purpose for all of us and a bigger picture most of us cannot understand or even realize. So, when you see someone going through one trial after another, remember, "Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope," (Romans 5:3-4).
I choose to be grateful for all I have been through, because with all of it I am being molded into the person God wants me to be. I am the mother Adalyn needs me to be, and forever will be. I know that I can endure great pain. I have learned that trying to plan my own life doesn't work, and God will do whatever it takes to get you back on the path he wants you on. I have also come to realize just how wonderful people can be too, even though monsters were also revealed to me. I guess this is my declaration that I am no longer a victim. I will not raise my daughter to be a victim, and I refuse to let my trauma leave me wounded and fearful. I will no longer let my mind wander into paranoia and doubt. This is the end of the streak. I am living my life how God intended. I was lost, but now am found.
Truth is, I would be nothing without the strength that God has given me. I have had to learn how to have faith again, and I have had to learn that my plans are nothing. I still struggle with forgiveness, but maybe I can write about that another day. I just needed to say this.
