Adjusting

I can't tell if I am adjusting to Adam being gone or not. Some days I feel like I can take on anything, and others I just feel so worn down. Some days, I feel completely strange. Like, I am doing this all wrong by being here. I thought maybe being around family would help ease the pain from our loss and the pain of not having Adam by my side for now, but it has left me angry. I keep remembering when things happened before, and who was there for me and who genuinely cared about me, and I just become so angry. It feels as though I am being ignored, neglected, and forgotten. The one person in the world I thought would be there for me during my grief, isn't. I can't help but wonder if that person even cares about me at all, and they have known me since I was born. How does that make sense? Not only this one person, but a few people I can say have really just neglected to be there at all..when they said they would. Those that I wouldn't expect to be there, are though. I guess that makes up for something.

I don't like being here. I feel out of place, in the way, and just wrong. I try to occupy my time the best that I can, but the aching desire to be with my husband and be with the only person who loves me so much overwhelms me most of the time.

People I called "friends" are never there unless they have no other choice. People who I haven't been so close to in the past are stepping up and being a shoulder to cry on. How does this work? What happened? If things work out like I hope, I may leave much sooner than originally planned. I want to be around those who understand. Here, that really doesn't happen.

I love you, Adam. Forever and ever, amen. Come home soon.

Passing time.

I thought my birthday would be a hard day..but surprisingly, it wasn't. The reality of everything that has happened has made me think more logically to suppress the aching I feel from the loss of our son. The doctor has made me optimistic, and that makes things a little bit easier. If the problem is that easy to fix, I hope we never have to go through another loss like we did with our son. Thanks to a good friend, my birthday was actually enjoyable.

Everyone has to have a "birthday" picture right? 

Adam is on a field op somewhere in the world, that will last about 3ish weeks. This means no communication..and I know that a lot of women who are married to someone in the military would consider me lucky to be able to say the longest I have gone without contact with my husband is ten days. This 3 week thing will be a new record for us. I sure do miss that man.

I finished a new care package last night, I made sure his pepperoni sticks were in there :) I think we are going to say it is a Spring theme.

Not being able to talk to that wonderful man of mine, I look through old pictures of him and remember the fun times we always have.. I found one of him and his mom from last year when she came to visit us in NC. He was splashing her in the water :)


To date, I have lost 9 pounds in two weeks. I don't eat nearly enough, but I don't really get hungry so I just listen to my body, and I guess that is ok. Adam has gained 12 pounds this month. I am trying to keep up with him, only losing instead of gaining. :)

We are almost at 20% done with this deployment. I can't wait until I see 25%. I am soooo ready for my husband to be home. Life seems so dull without him.


Come home soon, Adam. I love you forever and ever.